Caregivers: How to balance expectations and reality when your care receiver won’t get better?
Sometimes, reality sucks! We cannot accept reality until we go through a process. Denial will be high and it is a coping mechanism for difficult emotions. We are not talking about avoidance, which causes a whole lot of other problems. We deny the truth so we can keep things the same. We have a fear of change and the unknown.
Facing reality means that we might have to change and make choices that we do not want to make. The uncomfortable feelings rise up within us and we become stuck. The inner conflict makes us miserable. Are you in denial about something?
October 5, 2022
Family caregiver denial
We can’t even get to balancing expectations versus reality until we deal with our denial.
Some clues that you may be in denial about something:
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- You wonder, “If only she (or he) would …?
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- You doubt or dismiss your feelings.
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- Hope things will improve when …
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- You begin to feel resentful.
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- You walk on eggshells, trying to avoid a blow-up or avoid talking about the problems.
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- You may be worried that you will develop dementia yourself.
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- You avoid talking about the issue.
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- You avoid thinking about the problem.
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- You promise to address the problem in the future.
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- You minimize or rationalize what is going on
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- You become numb to your feelings
Denial isn’t always a bad thing. It gives you time and space to gradually accept the change. You need time to process and figure out the next steps. It can become a problem when you continue the denial and your health unnecessarily suffers. You will have some anxiety. That is normal. It is not comfortable, but it is normal.
We might have to take an action that we do not want to take. Okay, on to expectations versus reality.
Caregivers have expectations
Expectations are what we think will happen. Reality is what actually happens. Our frustrations and problems arise when our expectations are not met. My perspective is not the same as your perspective. Our life experiences are not the same and we have different known and unknown biases.
What impacts our perspectives? Our energy levels and our physical strength. How attuned we are with our own bodies. Being hungry (you will not make good choices when you are hungry). Easy-to-read statements “Seem” to be truer, whether they are true or not. Feeling bad, sad or depressed makes everything seem harder. Having our family and friends (our support system) around helps make things easier.
What expectations do you have?
Common signs that you have expectations:
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- Anticipating a certain outcome.
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- Having and holding a vision in your mind of how things will play out.
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- Having a set idea of what you want or need to happen.
Idealized versions of life and what you want can set you up for disappointment. You may not even realize that you are not being realistic.
When life isn’t fair
Increasing your awareness of your expectations is one way to help. If you have a “should” in your thinking, be careful. Life is not fair. Why do you think it “should” be this way? Stop making comparisons. You are unique and your situation is unique. It is okay to feel disappointed. It is okay to feel all of your feelings. Remember, that you have control over how you act and react.
Learn to accept, “what is.”
Accepting “what is” and trying to make that better is a great goal to have. I know some of you are wondering what I mean. It is difficult to accept reality and “what is.” It takes hard work and practice to let things “Be, just as they are, right now.” It is hard for the “fix-it” types to adjust to not being able to fix it. We have to find our new role. We have to figure out how to help. We have to learn to accept the reality before we can figure out our options.
We don’t deny reality
I don’t deny the reality of what my clients are or will be going through. It will be hard and it will be exhausting. But everyone has the right to have the best quality of life possible for them. I never give up hope. Accepting what is or what will be, does not negate hope and trying. Being fully present” in “the moment is all we have. What you can see, feel touch, smell, and taste…right now.
What if we would set compassionate expectations? We are all going to get smacked down a time or two and that hurts. Something that we tried did not work out or it was a complete disaster. Well, hell! So, try something else.
We all have a mind or soul age and physical body age. My soul age is 35, but my physical body age is 60. I listen to my body and make adjustments for activity. Now, the little imp in me is still as active as ever. I play games, aggravate people, and have fun wherever I am. I have accepted the reality that I have to make adjustments sometimes. I am okay with that. That is really the key, isn’t it? Being okay with “that.”
Consider the conflicting emotions that you sometimes feel. Could that be what is really bothering you?
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- Wanting time with your partner & Alone time
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- Believe in yourself & have a fear of failure
All of us have found ourselves in these types of emotions. It is like a push/pull situation. It sure can cause a lot of procrastination too. How can you make a decision when you have competing thoughts? They don’t have to cancel each other out. They can both be true and exist simultaneously. We do not have to choose we can accept both feelings. We have talked before about
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