Month: February 2022

What is your resistance to changecosting you?

Posted on February 24, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, Caregiver Information

What happens when things do not go smoothly? What happens when things do not go our way? Stress levels rise.

February 23, 2022

Think about the turmoil in your life. The things that are stressing you out. Are you stressing out because of a decision that you “need” to make or is it really the resistance to change that you are fighting? The things that you are just uncertain about or confused about what to do next. Some of you need to take a few deep breaths right now.

Breathe in deeply through your nose for a count of 5 and exhale through pursed lips of a count of 6. Do this 5 times. Now, you can settle down and focus. You realize that “it” is not happening, right now and you are okay. Why would I want you to be able to focus? Why would I want you to realize that you are okay?

Our Individual Resistance when we are in the Big Middle of a Mess

Because things run together. They get intertwined and become a big mess with you in the middle of the situation. You cannot think straight when you are in the big middle of a mess. Most of us do not like messes. We like it when things go smoothly and we especially like it when things go our way. I have a resistance to change and I know that about myself. So, I have to manage resistance. I have to stop and figure out why I am resisting. Most of the time, it is because I don’t want to change. I can change and I can manage change. I had to realize that for me to have a successful change, I had to see the benefit. 

What happens when things do not go smoothly? What happens when things do not go our way? Stress levels rise. Reactions take priority over a plan. WTF, gets said multiple times. Dammit and shit are said a lot too. You may or may not say them out loud, but you sure are thinking them. It is okay, it can be a stress reliever and give you enough time for your thinking brain to catch up to your reacting brain. I know, friggin’ amygdala.

We have heard the phrase, what we resist, persists. Carl Jung is apparently the one who first stated this principle. Resistance is what stops us from getting things done. We use excuses, justifications, procrastination, perfectionism and even the voice in our head that is telling us that we aren’t good enough or we don’t have enough time. It also tells us other things, but you get the idea. Sometimes, you have to tell that inner critic to shut up.

Why we have Resistance to Change

We have resistance because we are afraid of something. We have resistance because we need to make some kind of change. We do not like change. It is hard and it takes energy to change. Resistance will always rear its ugly head when there is something that will need our energy and attention. We would be better if we learned to “let go” or let things be, just as they are. No judgement allowed. The goal is accepting things, just as they are, right now. If you keep resisting, then all of your focus and energy is going to something that you do not want.

Learn to refocus your energy and focus on what you DO want. You don’t give up. You won’t give up. It is not in your nature. Persistence is a good thing, especially if you are a helper or care giver. Look for the benefits. 

Recognize when Resistance Occurs

Recognize your resistance triggers and when they will show up. Be curious about them. We all have them. The question becomes, will we give up or will we move forward? Visualize the success in your mind. Set your personal goals. That is all you have control over, anyway. Decide how you will act during a tough time. Maybe, you will need to take 5 – 10 minutes to gather your thoughts and figure out the next best step. No, not the whole plan. Just the next step.

When you find yourself in the middle of a crap storm, look around, take inventory. Is anyone in mortal danger? Is any one about to die? If not, then you have time to take a few minutes to see how best to proceed. I know you want the pain to stop. We all do. That is part of the resistance, we do not like change or the unknown it takes energy and time.

Some signs you may be in a resistant mode:

    • You procrastinate

    • You are too busy

    • You are impatient

    • You forget things

    • You are not organized

    • You feel stuck or paralyzed

    • You are very impatient

    • You can’t or won’t make a decision

    • You find a reason Not to act

    • You complain a lot

    • You become defensive

    • You look for limitations and barriers

    • You avoid people or change

Antidotes to resistance:

    • Acceptance of how things are, right now

    • Observe and acknowledge how you are feeling

    • Let go of blame or judgement

    • Move – walk, run, work out, hike

    • Take the next step forward

You may have to start with accepting that you are not ready to accept what is. We resist because we don’t want to deal with “it.” We are fearful of the outcome. We may know intellectually what the outcome may be, but we are not emotionally ready for the outcome. It won’t go away. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Feeling out of control is another trigger.

Find the lesson

Find the lesson. There is always a lesson that we are supposed to learn. A lesson about ourselves. A lesson about our loved ones. A lesson about trust. We do have a choice. We can choose acceptance and move forward. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. Acceptance never means giving up. It means finding new ways to have the best quality of life possible for you and your loved ones.

I am more of a “see where we are and what needs to be done,” kind of care giver. I don’t deny the facts, but I sure won’t give up either. We can no longer do it this way, so what about trying the other way?  Focus on your realistic goals and options. You only have so much energy every day, don’t waste it on things that are not changeable or cannot be changed.

You never have to like what you are accepting, you are just no longer fighting it

You don’t have to be okay with the “thing” that you are accepting. It doesn’t even mean that you feel good or peaceful about it. It requires courage to face the reality of “what is, right now.” Maybe, the word acknowledging is better than acceptance in some situations. It is okay to hate it and not know what to do. Use a person to be your sounding board so you can work through scenarios. Ask for input or suggestions, realizing that you get to choose to use that information or not.

Are you ready to make some kind of change?

    • Identify your “want” in the change (not the should)

    • Give yourself time to prepare for change

    • Visualize your life during the change and after the change

    • Prepare for set-backs and moving forward again

    • Be kind to yourself and acknowledge all of your victories (both large and small)

  • Create an action plan (Empowering Health Options does this, too)

Pat

Has your life been hijacked by responsibilities outside of your control?

Posted on February 16, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #dementia

How do you feel about that? Okay, now, how do you feel about how you feel? Whew! That in itself is enough to make your head explode, isn’t it?

February 16, 2022

I learned a new phrase today, as I was doing some research on dealing with feelings, and I came across “meta-emotions.” I have never heard of that term before. I was thinking about my own experiences of how I felt about the frustration and anger that I felt when my life was hijacked. I did berate myself for feeling that way. How could I feel that way? I love my mama and I will do anything that I can for her. The frustration and anger was never about her. It was about the situation.

Meta-emotions can be classified into four types: negative-negative (e.g., feeling embarrassed about feeling sad), negative-positive (e.g., feeling guilty about feeling happy), positive-positive (e.g., feeling hopeful about feeling relieved), and positive-negative (e.g., feeling pleased about feeling angry).

When you can’t make things better

I could not make things better. I could not fix this so we did not have to deal with all of this crap. I wish that I could tell you that I adapted well. I did not. I made it much harder than it had to be on myself. I sure learned the hard way, that I would have been better off if I had learned to accept things as they were & adapt to the ever-changing situation.

Nope, just stuff it all down. Deep down, inside. Soldier on. That will work for a while, but not forever. It will come out. It will come up in screwy ways. You won’t even know why you are feeling like you feel. It may years down the road. You can’t figure out why your emotions are all over the place. Maybe, if you got still and curious you could figure it out? Talk therapy is a much quicker way to figure it out.

I think everyone needs to do some talk therapy. Shoot, three or four sessions may be all that you need. Therapists will give you the tools you need to figure some of this “emotions” stuff out. You will also be taught how to deal with it in an appropriate manner. In other words, you won’t have to show your ass.

You won’t have to keep beating yourself up for feeling bad about feeling bad. If you are a helper or care giver you have probably dealt with all kinds of emotions. I use feelings and emotions interchangeably sometimes because I won’t slow down and figure out which one it is. Here is my attempt at understanding the difference. Emotions are neurological reactions to external stimuli. They are instinctive and we are not usually conscious of them. That friggin’ amygdala, again. It really is trying to keep us safe. We have to help it, by realizing when we are in danger and when we are really NOT in danger. Feelings are the reactions to the emotions.

    • Something triggers you

    • You have an automated response (your fear emotion, anger or whatever the emotion, is being sent out through your body)

    • That lasts about 90 seconds and then that part is over

    • What happens next, is up to you. Will you cling to that emotion or will you interpret the situation as not life threatening, reassess and move forward?

    • Realize that how you think and how you feel directly impacts how your body reacts. This is the point where you take a breath or three and separate yourself from the experience to observe it, be objective and be curious about how you feel. No judgement allowed.

How do you manage difficult emotions?

Can you reinterpret what you experienced? Can you look for the good in the bad? Sometimes, we have to sit with that uncomfortable emotion. We have to feel it to process it. That is not fun. The upside is that we can learn from it and we don’t have to always have the negative emotions when we are triggered. We can learn. “Whatever you resist will persist.” I have no idea who said that first, but I have heard it a lot.

Emotions may not signal danger, but they may signal that you need to make a change.

Care givers have many, if not all of these emotions at one time or another. See if you can relate?

    • Guilt

    • Resentment

    • Anger

    • Frustration

    • Worry

    • Loneliness

    • Defensiveness

    • Grief

Questions to ask yourself when you feel certain emotions arise:

    • Is what happened unexpected?

    • Is what happened enjoyable?

    • Is what happened going to make it easier or harder for me to get what I want?

    • Can I control it?

    • Will I be able to cope with what happened?

    • Does what happened match with what I think is right or wrong?

    • Is what happened my fault or someone else’s?

(I borrowed these questions, but I cannot find my cite link.)

What are the positives of negative emotions?

Sadness or grief may make you pay more attention to details?

Anxiety or stress may encourage you to find new ways to deal with situations.

Anger or frustration may make you see that it is time for help or another set of eyes on a situation or problem.

Guilt may help us to figure out what is ours to deal with and what is not ours to deal with.

Negative emotions may be what you need to motivate you to make a change.

**Any time that you deal with your emotions, you will get tired and feel drained. It is very exh

Pat

Are there any positive benefits to being a family caregiver?

Posted on February 3, 2022 by - #alzheimers, #caregiver, #caregivers, #ms

Sandwich generation

February 2, 2022

So often we talk about the stressors and negative consequences of helping a loved one. But, what about the positive things that can happen? There actually are some benefits.

Care giving is full of ups and downs. Every day may be different. Different is not always a bad thing. You may even have more pleasant days than bad days. I know, some of you are thinking that pleasant days are not what you experience. I get it, not everything is going to be pleasant.

Think back to a rough day. One where it took you three hours to get them dressed and fed. Maybe, it was a day that they did not recognize you and they balked at every turn. It gets emotionally draining. We tend to remember all the problems and struggles that we deal with. Why? I am sure our amygdala has something to do with it. LOL. Look, we remember it because it messed with our plans. We hit a resistance or barrier of some kind. Did we shift our focus or try another way or even try again later? Nope. We pushed through and made it happen. What was left in our wake? Wasted time. Hurt feelings. Frustration. We just reinforced all of the negative feelings. We forgot to focus on the small victories. They can still get dressed and they can still eat. They can still get out. Your unmet expectations are what really caused the “problems.”

While we are focusing on a dementia or Alzheimer’s related issue today, it could be any chronic health condition that causes a decline in our loved one. A physical decline and/or a mental decline happens in a lot of other diagnoses.

There will be difficult days as a caregiver

I wish that I could tell you there are predictable patterns. It all depends on what area(s) of the brain are affected. Their brain is failing. You may experience a problem with the bathing issues and someone else may be dealing with the 500 questions a day issue (the same 500 questions). Maybe, they are still quite mobile and wander off, repeatedly. You must realize that all of these behaviors are UNCONTROLLABLE for folks with dementia. Alzheimer’s is the most common dementia. Analyze your own response to the frustration. See what you can modify or change to make the process go more smoothly. If you find yourself getting more and more frustrated, it is past time for you to take a break.

Focus on what they CAN do

Next time, focus on what they can do. See what they can do for themselves, even if it takes longer. What would you consider a success, taking their limitations or bad days in to account? Go in with a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling in your attitude. They will pick up on that. Spend a few minutes talking with them. Touching them gently on the arm or shoulder. Use the phrase, “we are going to _____________ now.” One thing at a time. One arm at a time. Speak to them and tell them what “we” are doing in a calm, loving voice. Take a break, if they need to. You will still complete the tasks much easier and faster if they are helping and not fighting you. How ever long you think it should take … multiply that by 4. That is your timetable.

Remember, they can sense emotions and feelings

It will be in the small things that you will see what you have accomplished. Their calmness and trust will be so amazing. Even if they are no longer verbal, they sense emotions and do it quite well. They may look at you and not know your name or maybe not even who you are. But, they know that you are someone that cares about them, that loves them because they sense it.

You have a purpose. To help someone that you love have the best quality of life possible for them.  It feels good to have a purpose. It feels good to help someone that you love. They have helped you and now you get to help them.

You being there is important. None of us want to be alone. Your time, effort and attention provides comfort to them. I hope that brings you comfort and joy.

You find yourself talking with them. For the first time, in a long time, you are having a real conversation. Telling and listening to stories.

You will be changed by this experience. Maybe you figure out what you want and what you do not want when you reach their age. Maybe you see the things that you need to take care of now, so your kids won’t have to struggle to find the information needed.

You probably will never receive an award for being a helper or care giver to your loved one. You may never even be appreciated. You may never be acknowledged for what you do or what you have sacrificed.  Did you really do it for the accolades? Probably not, but some people do.

What if you haven’t been close and they need you now? Could this be a time of mending fences? Could this be a time of moving forward? What about resolving old hurts or negative feelings?

Caregiving teaches you a lesson about control

Care giving can teach you a big lesson about control. As in, you are not in control and you cannot control the outcomes. That, sucks! It is a lesson that we all need to learn. We can do our best. We can make plans. We can implement the plans. But, we have no control over the outcome.

Your own kids are watching you. They are watching how you act towards your mom, dad, spouse or partner. They are listening to what you say. They are observing what you do and how you handle problems or stressful situations. You are modeling for them what to do and how to act. Your attitude towards your loved one may very well become their attitude towards you when you need their help.

Even with all of the positives of helping a loved one … we all need to take breaks to rest and recharge.

Pat

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