December 8, 2021
Some of you are breaking out in a sweat right now. WTF! I can’t let it be. It will be a disaster. He won’t do it like I do it. It will be a mess when I get back. If I don’t tell them what to do, they won’t do anything. And many, many other statements. We try to control every area of our lives and usually the areas of our loved ones lives.
What to deal with first?
Let’s start with the control freak or as I like to call them, the person that “likes to take charge.”
Who are you and why are you a control freak? Usually, a control freak is driven by an urge that they want everything done in a way that THEY feel is correct. Sometimes, it is because the control freak does not have control in an area of their own life and they will seek to control something that they feel they can control. It is also possible that the control freak has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder or possible a personality disorder. Sometimes, it is the person that has been through it before and has the experience. Other times it is the person who will step up and handle the situation. So, you see, there may be many factors as to why a person seems to be a control freak.
If you are the control freak, check yourself before you wreck yourself and your relationships. What are the real reasons behind your behavior? Is it truly to help the other person or is it for your own benefit? Do you trust others to handle situations as they arise? The better question is, will you trust others to handle situations as they arise?
Let go of the need for control
Being effective does not mean you always have to control things, people or the situation. The reality is that we cannot control things, people or situations. The only thing that we can control is ourselves and our own views. We can’t control the outcome. We can control our mindset. We can control our work ethic. We can control how we treat others. No, they don’t make you treat them any certain way, you choose to treat them a certain way. We can control what we eat, how much exercise we do, how much rest and destressing we do. We can control asking for needed help before we get to the end of our rope. We can control what we focus on. Know that what you focus on shapes what we do and how we feel. Will you focus on possibilities/solutions or will you focus on the problems?
I have heard this phrase a lot, but I could not understand it for the longest time. “Let it go.” How in the hell do you let something go? You still think about it. You still wonder. You even still try to fix it. I finally read something that helped me to understand what “let it go” really means. It means to “let it be.” Let it be just as it is, right now. There is nothing to do but accept it as it is, right now. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to feel a certain way about it. I know realize why I have always hated the phrase, “it is what it is.” I hated it because it frustrated me and because I could not accept that “it” could not be changed. Only accepted, as it is, right now. I didn’t have to like it. I didn’t have to fix it. I didn’t have to do anything.
Embrace change and let the uncontrollable be
It’s funny, when I stopped fighting the things that were not going to change and changed how I reacted to them I was much calmer and more at peace. I had to learn that it was my own reactions that were hurting me. I had to decide what I will accept or put up with and what I could not accept or put up with. Decision’s time!
Things you CANNOT Control:
- If people like you or dislike you
- Other people’s feelings
- Other people’s thoughts or beliefs
- Other people’s actions
- Who our relatives are?
- The weather
- The past
- The exact outcome. Of anything. Ever.
If it is not an immediate danger. Cool your jets. If death is not imminent, wait. Sometimes, things need to work themselves out. A few failures are a good thing. They are learning times. Failure is an event and never a person.
Be the flexible, can-do person. Understand that plans change. Priorities change quickly. Adapt to making the best decision possible with the information that you have, right now. Update as needed.
Learn to have no attachment to outcome
Have no attachment to the outcome. Calm down, you have to learn to be in the present moment. There may be so many factors that go in to an outcome and we cannot control all of them. Be open to possibilities and outcomes, just don’t become attached to them.
Learn to accept change. This is so very hard. We are creatures of habit. That is not a bad thing, it becomes very frustrating and maddening when we do not make allowances for things beyond our control. Work on focusing on the top three priorities. Focus on the things that matter the most and let go (let it be) of the other things. Stop trying to change the unchangeable. Just because we accept “what is,” does not mean we give up hope or stop trying for the best quality of life possible.
What if the care receiver is the control freak?
When the strength and courage that you admired in your parents has now changed into control freak behavior, how can you handle them and it? You will be provoked. You will be angry. You may hear constant complaining. You may even feel like a servant sometimes. Annoyed, Frustrated, Resentment and Anger coming up! Sadness will be there too. Watch out for your triggers to be triggered.
Manipulation by elderly parents:
- They may guilt trip you
- Nice to your face but talk about you to others
- They want everything done in a specific way
- They complain about family members, nothing pleases them & everything you do is wrong
- Easily becomes upset at just about anything
Why is this happening?
It may be their nature and they were always this way. It could be a new thing that has happened over time. Usually, they are trying to regain some kind of control over their lives and situation. The loss of personal power and control is awful. It is sometimes scary to have to depend on someone else for your needs.
Have them do everything that they can do, even if it takes longer. Let them make decisions, whenever possible. Ask for their opinion and advice. Everyone wants to feel useful. Don’t force them on to your schedule for the more intimate needs such as bathing. Let them decide on that time. It may only be an inconvenience to you, imagine what it must be to them. Let them keep their dignity and I promise you will have fewer battles. Of course, you may have to set boundaries and that is fine. Put yourself in their shoes to understand where they are coming from and do your best to accommodate them. We all want autonomy and independence. It may be time to bring in the backup care givers.
Don’t take over, just help
As a care giver, you are there to provide them with help with what they cannot do. Your role is not to take over but to become more of an aide or helper. Encourage them to do all the things that they can do, even if it takes longer. Family dynamics will certainly play a role in a care giving and care receiving need. Everyone has a right to feel safe and to be safe.
Routines are good things. Once we have our routine, we no longer have to use excess brain power to figure things out. We just do them. Routines are good for care givers and care receivers. Figure out the best routine (one that is doable for the receiver and the giver) and implement it. Update, when needed. Agreement is the key. The care giver must be more flexible than the care receiver. The more you can fit in to their routines, the less pushback you will have. Remember to enjoy each other. Those are the moments that you will treasure.
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