Or at least, you are not cut out to be a hands-on caregiver. Maybe, you are more of the management type who makes sure that things are handled and done. Maybe, you are the visiting regularly and running errands type. Maybe, you are the do everything but the personal hygiene type. Then again, maybe you are not the caregiving type at all.

June 22, 2022

4 Common signs that you are not cut out for caregiving.

  1. You are not patient.
  2. You do not have the time.
  3. You are finding excuses not to do it.
  4. You cannot do the kind of care required.

There may be times that you have to jump in and do the caregiving due to a sudden illness, surgery, or injury. You suck it up and handle it, for a short period of time. Short period of time is the key. Now that the immediate “danger” is over, it is time to reassess the situation and the needs.

What you can do in an emergency, usually cannot be sustained over a long period of time, to me, a long period of time is anything over a month. You get worn down, everything else in your life has been put on hold. You can’t put everything on hold for very long. Relationships, jobs, careers, kids, friends, other commitments require your attention. Our lives are in flux and we do pay more attention to our jobs at times and other times we pay more attention to family and friends. Forget balance, there is no such thing. Just be fair and disciplined with your energy and time. No one likes leftovers all the time.

Every family has its own dynamics and history. Sometimes it is functional and good. Sometimes it is very dysfunctional and bad. There may be estrangement. There may have been verbal abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse. You get to decide what you will and will not do. You may hear stupid crap from outsiders who have no clue about your experiences, if you distance yourself from your family. You do not answer to them. You do not have to acknowledge what they have said or explain any thing to them.

Yeah, I know, we chased a couple of rabbits. We always get back on track, eventually.

Depending on the needs of your loved one, you may or may not be able to be a good caregiver. What happens if they need to be lifted, transferred or dressed and you have no training in how to do that appropriately? If you don’t do it safely, you can hurt yourself , them or both of you.

Even if you have a good relationship, caregiving may not be right for you. Maybe conflicts have started to rear their ugly head. It would be better for everyone if there was some separation and other solutions found. Sometimes the caregiver’s own physical or emotional health prevents them from being someone else’s caregiver.

The care receiver’s needs have increased and now you find that you cannot provide the care needed. Learn to say, “No.” Have the conversation and look for alternative solutions. You will feel guilt, give your heart time to catch up with your head (what you know). Just as the word “caregiving” means different things to different people. The word, “no” means different things too.

It may mean that I can not do all that I have been doing, but, I can do _____________________. Maybe, “no” means that you are tired physically and mentally. Maybe, “no” means that we need to re-evaluate the situation and change some things.

Caregivers will benefit from learning to set boundaries and also to express their feelings. Ideally, you will learn these things before you are an asshole to everyone else. Use “I” statements. “I” feel, “I” can, “I” cannot, “I” can no longer, etc. Thou shalt not use “You ought to,” “You should,” “You need to,” types of statements. You will be starting a fight. Get rid of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. They are not helpful. They keep you stuck when you need to move forward.

Let’s talk more about guilt. We will all experience it. Not all guilt is bad, so pay attention to what it is trying to tell you. Is it calling to your attention that you wanted to do something, but then you didn’t? You can fix that by changing your own behavior. For example, if you were going to cook two meals and take them over, but didn’t…you can decide what to cook and when to take over with some follow through. Boom! It’s done. IF you are feeling guilty because you cannot change the unchangeable, then hold on a minute. You are not that powerful. You aren’t even responsible for other people’s feelings. Remember, thoughts are just thoughts until you put action to them. Granted, sometimes you need to let the thoughts go. Getting rid of the “shoulds” in your head will certainly help to stop the guilt cycle.

Are you feeling guilty because?

  • You aren’t spending enough time with your mom?
  • You aren’t spending enough time with your spouse and kids?
  • You aren’t taking care of yourself?
  • You aren’t focused at work due to your caregiving to-do lists?
  • You forgot  to do something that your dad needed you to do?
  • You let your mom  stay in her own home too long?
  • You moved your mom into assisted living?
  • You resent the time caregiving takes?
  • You think your life would be easier if they died?

Acknowledge that you feel guilty and then move on. Guilt won’t kill you but it will keep you stuck.

Most of the time, your feelings as a caregiver are completely normal.

  • It is normal to feel frustrated, in general.
  • It is normal to feel frustrated with the time it take your loved one to do anything.
  • It is normal to feel anger at times.
  • It is normal to want all of this to be over.
  • It is normal to hate yourself for feeling certain ways.
  • It is normal to silently scream in your head.
  • It is normal to enjoy aspects of your time together.
  • It is normal to wonder  if your marriage will make it through this.
  • It is normal to hate missing your kids’ games.
  • It is normal for you to be numb and not feel anything, just handle it.
  • It is normal to feel guilty when you take some “me” time.
  • It is normal for you to want to throat punch the next person that tells you that you should take care of yourself.
  • It is normal for you to want to run away.
  • It is normal for you to miss your job.
  • And, a bunch of other things.

Do you have boundaries? Boundaries keep us safe. They are our non-negotiables. Our individual or family values that we use to guide our choices. Find yours. A boundary is something that you must have or something that you cannot tolerate. It is going to get touchy here – sometimes we get our non-negotiables confused with important needs.

Examples of non-negotiables:

  • Your physical, mental and emotional well-being – What will you do to protect them?
    • What won’t you do to protect them?
  • That you speak to yourself in a kind manner.
  • A healthy relationship with yourself – Eating nutritious food, walking, running, working out, reading for pleasure
  • Keeping your word to yourself and others
  • Your core  values – honesty, love, joy, happiness, reliability, respect, openness, trust, accountability, etc.
  • I will be kind to myself, when I make mistakes
  • Having fun
  • Resting/Sleeping

So, what are your governing values? The principles that you live your life by? The things you will and will not tolerate? Find 3 or 4 that are valuable to you and how you want to live your life. They will make it easier for you to answer questions. They will make it easier to say “yes or no.” Another name for non-negotiables for me is deal-breakers.

No one is perfect. We will all mess up, from time to time. What is the pattern? Do the same things keep happening over and over? Are you making allowances for them/it? Why?

Pat