Category: #alzherimers

Feelings that a Well Spouse Has

Posted on January 25, 2023 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #caregivers, #parkinsonsdisease, Caregiver Information

Good relationships take work on the parts of both people involved under the best of circumstances.  What happens when one of the partners becomes seriously ill or will need help for more than six months? It may be from a stroke, cancer, traumatic brain injury, mental health/psychiatric disorders, spinal cord injuries, dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, etc. What happens when relationship challenges rear their ugly head? Will you address it? Will you ignore it? Will you stuff your feelings way down deep? Will you deal with it in a healthy way? Decisions, decisions, decisions. January 25, 2023

Spousal Caregiver Challenges

Challenges arise when the changes come. There will be changes. No one can tell you when they will come or what they may be. Deal with them as they come. You can stuff your feelings, but eventually, they will come out. It won’t be in a good way, either. Acceptance is hard. Accepting things as they are, right now is hard. We have to give ourselves grace for every moment. Learning about their chronic health condition will help you to understand what is happening. Yes, I know there is usually more than one. Accurate information about what is happening and what will come will help you be more prepared to handle situations.

The challenges that cause the most aggravation are:

    1. Toileting and incontinence issues
    1. Showering/Bathing
    1. Eating out
    1. Repetitive questions
    1. Relationship strain
    1. Fatigue
    1. Guilt
Learning healthy ways to cope will help in this journey. Yes, it will be a journey. You will have good times, bad times and okay times.

Things you can do to help yourself destress:

    1. Find things you can do together
    1. Accept that you are doing your best
    1. Breathe, just deep breathe
    1. Have someone you can talk to and vent to
    1. Go for a walk/run
    1. Play a sport
    1. Meet up with friends for lunch
    1. Have a massage
    1. Tell others what you need, no one is a mind reader
    1. Keep your own doctor appointments
    1. Eat for nutritional needs
    1. Sleep and rest
    1. Learn to become more resilient (yes, you can do that)

Feel Your Feelings

It is okay to feel your feelings. It is okay to talk about your feelings. It is even okay to not have an answer. It is not okay to act aggressively or become verbally or physically abusive. Physical abuse includes doing things “rougher” than is necessary. Feeling sadness, anger and frustration are normal feelings. It is how you handle those feelings that make the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Don’t bottle up your feelings, you will eventually explode.

Warning Signs that you Need Help:

    1. Your own health is in decline
    1. You find yourself anxious and irritable
    1. You are relying more on alcohol or other drugs
    1. You are becoming withdrawn
    1. Smoking or eating more
    1. Overreacting to minor nuisances
    1. You are feeling increasingly resentful
    1. You are constantly exhausted even when you are resting & sleeping
    1. You are beginning to feel helpless or hopeless
    1. Backaches, headaches, stomachaches or other physical problems

Caregiving does have to be a burden

Caregiving doesn’t always have to be bad or feel like a chore. In fact, a lot of folks find themselves okay with being their spouses’ caregivers. Learn what you need to do for yourself so that you are a more resilient caregiver. Find three things that you will do each day for yourself. Pat

Getting “Life” Things in Order: You want it. You need it. But, you can’t seem to do it…why?

Posted on January 12, 2023 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #caregivers, #dementia, #information, #parkinsons

Maybe, it is because you don’t know your “why.” Your own personal “why” is what motivates you. You can say “I need to…” or “I should …” do X,Y, and Z.  Yet, it never gets done. Is it because you don’t know where to start? Is it because you are not sure what to do or what is important? Is it because you don’t really see the benefit of doing “it?” January 11, 2023 Simon Sinek, says to always start with your “WHY?” Why is it important? How will it help you or your loved one? How will it improve your life? How will it decrease your stress? Why do you do what you do?

The Stress-Buster Binder is for you, if you want an easy to use format.

Will a fill-in-the-blank PDF help you?

Would a fill-in-the-blank notebook be of benefit to you? Would a fillable pdf document be of benefit to you? For some of you, it is what you have been looking for. For others, it is something you didn’t know you needed but will be of tremendous help to you.  What is in the world could it be? My shameless plug for my Stressbuster, Time Saving Important Documents Binder.

How will it help?

It is organized by topic. The pages are protected by sheet protectors, you fill it out and have the information at your fingertips. You know how it is, you go to a new doctor and you have to fill out a complete medical history. You cannot remember everything nor can you remember dates. With the grab-and-go binder, you fill it out ONCE and use the information forever. That decreases your stress level when you are asked for medical information that you don’t recall.

Topics Included:

A durable power of attorney Financial

 Power of attorney  for Health

HIPAA

Health Care Proxy

Financial Affairs

End-of-life decisions

Advance directive

Will

Things you may also need, that you didn’t-know you would need

Medical History

Online Accounts – passwords and security questions

And more…

Pre-printed Binder Kit (pages are in sheet protectors) Checklist

You also receive clean sheets to make copies. This is great for updating the records and for when you need to use medications given check-off sheets. The complete binder kit is $249.00 and can be mailed anywhere in the contiguous 48 states for $17.00, as of this date 10/25/2023. Prices for printing and mailing may be updated as those prices increase. Yes, I am telling you to get the binder before the price increases.

Computer version Checklist

Fillable PDF file for family use $129.00 Fillable PDF file for single use $69.00 Pat

What is your stress sweet spot?

Posted on July 28, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #caregivers, stress

Why do we need some stress in our lives? We need stress in our lives to get things done and to keep us safe. With too little stress, we get bored. With too much stress, we have anxiety and porer health. 

If you went to your vacation happy place and stayed, what would happen? I can imagine your minds going into overdrive with all of the thoughts, smiles, and dreams. Come back to reality and let’s think this through.

July 27, 2022

Vacation Time and Break Time

We all enjoy a break. We all enjoy getting away. Decompression time, rest time, fun time, and alone time are all necessary for us. That one or two weeks at a time for us not to worry or deal with the day-to-day issues is awesome. I know that I think about staying on vacation forever. If I did what could happen? I could lose my job. I couldn’t afford to live year-round at the same spot where I vacation. Well, hell. What would I do in three or four months? Be bored because I didn’t have anything to do? Probably. Everybody else has to work and I don’t have anyone to play with. I am pretty good by myself, but I do want people around sometimes.

If I lived there full-time, it wouldn’t be special anymore. It would eventually, be the same old same old. A bored Pat, is not a good Pat. What about you?

Good Stress

We need some good stress. It motivates us to do something. Use your stress for good. Think about athletes. They have goals, training, and resting. They are pushing their bodies to do more than what is normal. Bigger, better, stronger, and faster are their goals.

Good stress vs bad stress. Yes, there is such a thing. Good stress is usually short-term, excites you and motivates you. You feel excited and your heart rate increases, but there is no fear or threat. Even with acute stress the body needs time to get rid of all the cortisol & other hormones to calm down. If your body does not have some down time to deal with the acute stress, it becomes as bad as bad stress.

Good stress:

    • It feels doable.

    • We know the stress is only temporary.

When good stress  becomes bad:

    1. It feels like all the time and you see no end in sight.

    1. You can’t control it.

    1. It takes up all of your time.

    1. You don’t see the long-term benefit.

    1. It comes into direct conflict with one of your life values or priorities.

Bad Stress Will Wear You Out

 Bad stress or distress wears you out. You do feel fear. You do feel like a threat is near. You may feel confused. You cannot concentrate very well. Some anxiety pops up. Bad stress can be short-term, but it can also be long-term. The long-term or chronic type of stress is the one that leads to negative health consequences.

Bad stress:

    • It no longer feels doable.

    • The stress is not temporary.

Could your stress be harmful?

You make mistakes on things that are routine for you.

You are spending a lot of time & energy on little things.

You feel stuck or paralyzed.

You don’t ask for help and you begin to isolate yourself

You are not eating well.

You are not working out or exercising.

You are not sleeping very well.

.

Is it possible to turn bad stress into something good?

    1. Look for the potential benefits or positives in the situation.

    1. Recognize and use your strengths to their full potential.

    1. Identify the resources that you have at hand.

    1. Collaborate with others.

    1. Learn something new.

    1. Have a positive perspective.

    1. Sometimes, you just have to be positive.

When things feel out of control or awful, do what is best for your own mind and body. When you do these types of things, you allow your brain and mind to destress so that you can handle the issues better.

    1. Good and restful sleep.

    1. Eat for nutritional health.

    1. Do something physical.

    1. Meet with your social support system.

    1. Quiet your inner critic.

Athletes often redirect stress into anticipation, excitement, and motivation, rather than allowing themselves to get into anxiety and fear of the situations. We can do this in our everyday lives, too. The sweet spot is where you are using the stress for good. You will never get rid of all stress nor should you. You can lessen it and you can navigate it!

Pat

Signs of a Bad Caregiver

Posted on June 2, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #caregivers

Hired helpers are not the only ones to watch out for… family caregivers or helpers may be a bad caregiver too. They may not only be bad caregivers; they could be dangerous too.

June 1, 2022

If your loved one is not comfortable around the hired caregiver or the family caregiver, it may be that their personalities don’t mesh. Nothing good or bad is going on, just a mis-match. Sometimes, it is much more than that.

Do they have the skills needed to provide quality care?

The caregiver may be well-meaning, but they do not have the experience or skills necessary to do the job right. This is more common in family members as caregivers and in hiring a private caregiver. Get references and check them out.

For example, you have a loved one that weighs 240 lbs. and the caregiver weighs 150 lbs. If your loved one needs help getting out of bed, bathing, transferring to a chair, and they cannot help themselves, what will happen? Dead weight is very heavy. If the caregiver has not had any training in lifting, transferring or bathing this type of person, what do you think is going to happen? Falls. Back pain and pulled muscles for the caregiver. Injury to your loved one. You can’t just pull someone up by their arm. Not to mention the dignity and respect issues. They are not a toddler and they deserve compassion, dignity and respect.

Look, they may be a bad caregiver. They may be a wonderful person, but they are not a good caregiver. They may be a good caregiver for someone else, but not for your loved one.

You have hired someone to help your loved one and to help out around the house with light housekeeping and cooking. You were specific on what you want/need and it has been agreed to by all parties, right? If not, fix that immediately. Never assume. Clarity cuts down on the aggravation. Create a task list.

Is your loved one out and about in the house or are they in their room “hiding?” Of course, they will need time to get used to their new caregiver, but it should not take a long time. Some folks are not used to have other people in their houses, especially people they do not know. Heck, some of them don’t want people they do know in their houses. Observe to see if it is a familiarity thing or a scared thing.

Specific Signs of Neglect or Elder Abuse

If your loved one is constantly complaining you have to determine if it is because they are frustrated that they are no longer able to do the things they used to do in their own home or is it more? You may have to ask questions along with observing how they are acting and what they are saying. If they don’t like the way the caregiver cooks, well, that is a complaint and can be fixed. If they are saying things like “they just sit there all day,” “they don’t talk to me or anything,” or “they talk to me like I am stupid,” those things may indicate poor treatment by a caregiver.

You see a bruise on the inside of their bicep area. Increased falls. Burns, cuts, scrapes or welts. Pressure ulcers or bed sores. Broken bones. These are all indicators of abuse and neglect. If the explanation does not make sense, trust your get and get them away from your loved one.

From a long-distance

You are a long-distance daughter and you call to talk to your mom. The caregiver always makes some kind of excuse as to why they can’t talk, right now. Is the caregiver always in the room when you call and talk to them or in the same room when you go for a visit? This is a controlling behavior by the caregiver and is not appropriate.

Do they care/love their caregiver too much? Watch out for money being given to the caregiver. Watch out for too much closeness, too fast. It is perfectly fine for them to get along and to care for one another, but it still must be a professional relationship.

Your loved one seems to have declined physically (weaker, more tired) or emotionally (not their normal talkative self). There could be a medical reason. Weight loss or malnutrition are other indicators of inadequate care. It may not be abuse, some caregivers are over their heads with dementia patients, for example.

I would like to make the difference between a bad caregiver and an abusive caregiver. A caregiver can be a bad caregiver and not be abusive towards the care recipient. The caregiver has not been adequately trained for the care recipient. They don’t understand all that goes in to providing care or help to a person with limited mobility, a dementia or a traumatic brain injury. An abusive caregiver does harm to the care recipient or allows harm to impact the care recipient.

If you are suspicious, get the caregiver away from your loved one. At the very least put-up cameras or nanny cams to see what is going on in your absence. If you get a “feeling” or you know that something is not right, trust that instinct. Do not reason it away. You don’t have to know why you know; you just know.

FYI

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF SPECIFIC TYPES OF ABUSE

Physical abuse Unexplained signs of injury such as bruises, welts, or scars, especially if they appear symmetrically on two side of the body Broken bones, sprains, or dislocations Report of drug overdose or apparent failure to take medication regularly (a prescription has more remaining than it should) Broken eyeglasses or frames Signs of being restrained, such as rope marks on wrists Caregiver’s refusal to allow you to see the elder alone
Emotional abuse In addition to the general signs above, indications of emotional elder abuse include Threatening, belittling, or controlling caregiver behavior that you witness Behavior from the elder that mimics dementia, such as rocking, sucking, or mumbling to oneself
Sexual abuse Bruises around breasts or genitals Unexplained venereal disease or genital infections Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing
Neglect by caregivers or self-neglect Unusual weight loss, malnutrition, dehydration Untreated physical problems, such as bed sores Unsanitary living conditions: dirt, bugs, soiled bedding and clothes Being left dirty or unbathed Unsuitable clothing or covering for the weather Unsafe living conditions (no heat or running water; faulty electrical wiring, other fire hazards) Desertion of the elder at a public place
Financial exploitation Significant withdrawals from the elder’s accounts Sudden changes in the elder’s financial condition Items or cash missing from the senior’s household Suspicious changes in wills, power of attorney, titles, and policies Addition of names to the senior’s signature card Unpaid bills or lack of medical care, although the elder has enough money to pay for them Financial activity the senior couldn’t have done, such as an ATM withdrawal when the account holder is bedridden Unnecessary services, goods, or subscriptions
  Duplicate billings for the same medical service or device Evidence of overmedication or undermedication Evidence of inadequate care when bills are paid in full Problems with the care facility:
– Poorly trained, poorly paid, or insufficient staff
– Crowding
– Inadequate responses to questions about care

Pat

If it isn’t visible, it isn’t happening and other bull$%^!

Posted on March 9, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #dementia, #multiplesclerosis, #parkinsons

Invisible Illness: how do you get others to “see” what is happening to you on the inside?

If it hasn’t happened to them, they have no idea what is going on. But, a lot of them have an opinion about how you are; how you should or should not feel. Even if they have experienced it, it may not be the same as how you experience it.

March 9, 2022

We are all different. Our life experiences are different. Our pain tolerance is different. Our bodies are different. Sure, they are comparable, but they are not exact. We metabolize foods and medications differently or not at all. So many variables affect our immune system. So many things affect the inflammation inside of our bodies.

Biological processes are variable. Cultural traits are different. Genetic make-ups are different. We all have special qualities. We have our own body type.

When did healthy become based on appearance?

You can be really thin and be very unhealthy. You can be overweight and be really healthy. People of all shapes, sizes, weights, can either be healthy or unhealthy. You are in your body 24/7 how do you feel and what is going on with you? Is your body nourished with the foods that it needs? I am not talking about stress eating or emotional behaviors, just plain old giving your body what it needs to function at its highest level. Food, hydration, rest, activity and sleep are all important for a healthy body.

What happens when a body has an autoimmune disorder? An autoimmune disorder is a condition when your own immune system mistakenly attacks your body. It destroys healthy body tissue by mistake.

What happens inside the body of one with an autoimmune disorder

How would you think a person might feel while all of this is going on inside their body? They have pain, tiredness, fatigue, nausea, rashes, headaches, dizziness and more depending on what disease they have. They feel these things, All-of-the-time, because they have these things all-of-the-time. It would be rare for them to not to feel bad because their body is under attack.

My hope is that these folks are working with their doctors and other health care providers to find out what works best for them and their needs. To have the best quality of life possible. I only want folks to take the medications that they need. To use other means to help manage their conditions. Nutrition, hydration, strengthening, mindfulness-based stress reduction meditation, stretching, rest and activity. It takes all of these things plus medications to improve quality of life.

I get it. It is hard to do all of these things, work full-time, have a family life, friends, etc. Don’t look at it as giving things up. Look at it as caring for yourself to improve your energy and strength so you can spend more time with those that you love and do the things that you enjoy doing. Your friends and family can do all of those things with you, except, take your medication. It is probably easier to have a work-out buddy to keep you engaged and committed to the routine. That is the key anyway. It will become a routine and then a habit. Once it is a habit, you no longer have to use a lot of brain energy to figure out all the particulars.

Chronic disease is hard on everyone

Living with a chronic disease is hard. It is hard on the person that has it and it is hard on those that love them. It sucks to make plans and then they get cancelled because of a flare-up or a bad day. Once or twice, you can usually get over it, but more than that, it begins taking a toll on all involved.

No body wants to make plans because they get cancelled. A wall begins to build up. Everybody is pissed and nobody is talking to nobody about the elephant in the room. Maybe, it is because you don’t want each other to feel bad? Maybe, it’s because, you know that sometimes shit happens and you have to adjust.

It is great to realize all of that. You must also talk with each other about it. How you see things, how it makes you feel and what you want. You aren’t really mad at each other; you are mad at the situation. If you are mad at each other, I suggest you go and get counseling now. It does not matter if it is a partner relationship or a friend relationship, you do need help in navigating these issues.

Non-medical messy side of chronic disease

Too often, only the medical side is addressed. No body wants to deal with the messy part of a chronic illness. The parts that leave families strained and sometimes broken. You have to deal with the messy parts. Once you do and you have a workable plan, it can make all the difference in your relationships. It is not easy, but the results are worth it. In my business, I deal with the medical side and most parts of the messy side. If you need a therapist, I will recommend that.

Learning and understanding what is truly going on with a person that has a chronic illness is eye opening. Being able to modify plans or activities will improve relationships. You want them at their best, so what are you going to do to help them get to their best?  Can you relate to what they are experiencing?

Pain is subjective. We all have different tolerances and what may be a 10 (the absolute worst pain you have ever had) may be a 3 or 4 (mild to moderate) to me. I am sure you have heard people state that they have had a kidney stone and it was the worst pain possible. It has to be worse than having a baby. Why? Because you “say so?”  Because the pain you experienced was the worst pain in your life does not mean that it was worse than the pain of childbirth. Some of you mom’s that have had both can speak to this. I have heard a few moms say that childbirth pain was the worst and I have heard a few moms say that the kidney stone pain was worse.

Chase the Rabbit

Here comes a rabbit chasing. No one needs to suffer from uncontrolled pain. I understand that all pain cannot be eliminated and that is not really the goal of treating chronic pain. We treat chronic pain to help those with that type of pain to live the best quality of life possible. An active life. A fulfilling life. Managing the pain to a tolerable level is the goal. Treating chronic pain takes a multi-prong approach. Medication alone will not provide the relief needed. Strength training is one way to reduce pain. Running or walking is another way to reduce pain. Eating for nutritional needs, is yet, another way to reduce pain. Hydrating every day is another way to reduce the pain. It is all connected. Yes, I know there are many different types of pain. Thus, the multi-prong approach. I don’t believe in cookie cutter approaches to treating pain. People are different, their pain is different, their tolerances are different, medications work for some, but do not work for others. It is very easy to get frustrated when every thing that you try does not work. I use a combination approach with my clients and that seems to work better for pain relief and pain control. It will take effort, some fine tuning to the plans to get the right combination that works for you, but it will be worth it. Rabbit chasing over, for now.

After a while, folks just give up. The one with the chronic illness and the one without the chronic illness, just give up. If your loved one has a chronic illness, help them to become they best they can be. Encourage them to take back control of their life. Help them to focus on the solutions and not the freaking problems. What can they do? What can they improve? What will it take to help them? You can’t make them, but you can encourage them, believe in them and help them when they ask. You can’t do it for them and they do get to decide what they will or won’t do.

To the one without the chronic illness, you need to take a look at your beliefs about the one that has the chronic illness. This may get ugly. Do you understand what they go through every day? Do you understand that they feel like they let everybody down? Do you understand your part in not being able to go and do? Are you becoming an enabler to their lack of action or lack of participating in activities? There are other things, but you get the idea.

Don’t give up! There are things to try. There are things that will make your life easier. Get ready to look forward to activities again. Yes, you have to think about getting ready. You have to reason it out in your mind. The negatives will come rushing at you. All of the “you have tried this and it didn’t work,” thoughts will flood your mind. It may not have worked then, but it is possible that it will work now by doing “x,y and z.” If you are not open to the possibility that things can get better and actually be better, then they won’t.

Who do you need on your healthcare team?

Who do you need to add to your health care team? Me? A sports psychologist? A nutritionist? A therapist/psychologist? A trainer? A workout partner? A deal with my anger and other emotions therapist?

An autoimmune disorder may cause destruction of body tissue, may cause an abnormal growth of an organ, or even cause changes in organ function. The areas most often targeted are blood vessels, connective tissue, joints, muscles, your skin, red blood cells, your thyroid or your pancreas and other endocrine glands.

Very few of these disorders can be seen. It is all happening inside the body.

Here are some of the most notable autoimmune disorders:

Next time, we will touch on other non-visible health conditions such as migraine, depression, heart disease, etc.

    • Crohn’s disease

    • Lyme disease

    • Narcolepsy (looks more and more like an autoimmune disorder)

    • Psoriatic arthritis

    • Raynaud’s syndrome

  • Ulcerative colitis

Pat

What is your resistance to changecosting you?

Posted on February 24, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, Caregiver Information

What happens when things do not go smoothly? What happens when things do not go our way? Stress levels rise.

February 23, 2022

Think about the turmoil in your life. The things that are stressing you out. Are you stressing out because of a decision that you “need” to make or is it really the resistance to change that you are fighting? The things that you are just uncertain about or confused about what to do next. Some of you need to take a few deep breaths right now.

Breathe in deeply through your nose for a count of 5 and exhale through pursed lips of a count of 6. Do this 5 times. Now, you can settle down and focus. You realize that “it” is not happening, right now and you are okay. Why would I want you to be able to focus? Why would I want you to realize that you are okay?

Our Individual Resistance when we are in the Big Middle of a Mess

Because things run together. They get intertwined and become a big mess with you in the middle of the situation. You cannot think straight when you are in the big middle of a mess. Most of us do not like messes. We like it when things go smoothly and we especially like it when things go our way. I have a resistance to change and I know that about myself. So, I have to manage resistance. I have to stop and figure out why I am resisting. Most of the time, it is because I don’t want to change. I can change and I can manage change. I had to realize that for me to have a successful change, I had to see the benefit. 

What happens when things do not go smoothly? What happens when things do not go our way? Stress levels rise. Reactions take priority over a plan. WTF, gets said multiple times. Dammit and shit are said a lot too. You may or may not say them out loud, but you sure are thinking them. It is okay, it can be a stress reliever and give you enough time for your thinking brain to catch up to your reacting brain. I know, friggin’ amygdala.

We have heard the phrase, what we resist, persists. Carl Jung is apparently the one who first stated this principle. Resistance is what stops us from getting things done. We use excuses, justifications, procrastination, perfectionism and even the voice in our head that is telling us that we aren’t good enough or we don’t have enough time. It also tells us other things, but you get the idea. Sometimes, you have to tell that inner critic to shut up.

Why we have Resistance to Change

We have resistance because we are afraid of something. We have resistance because we need to make some kind of change. We do not like change. It is hard and it takes energy to change. Resistance will always rear its ugly head when there is something that will need our energy and attention. We would be better if we learned to “let go” or let things be, just as they are. No judgement allowed. The goal is accepting things, just as they are, right now. If you keep resisting, then all of your focus and energy is going to something that you do not want.

Learn to refocus your energy and focus on what you DO want. You don’t give up. You won’t give up. It is not in your nature. Persistence is a good thing, especially if you are a helper or care giver. Look for the benefits. 

Recognize when Resistance Occurs

Recognize your resistance triggers and when they will show up. Be curious about them. We all have them. The question becomes, will we give up or will we move forward? Visualize the success in your mind. Set your personal goals. That is all you have control over, anyway. Decide how you will act during a tough time. Maybe, you will need to take 5 – 10 minutes to gather your thoughts and figure out the next best step. No, not the whole plan. Just the next step.

When you find yourself in the middle of a crap storm, look around, take inventory. Is anyone in mortal danger? Is any one about to die? If not, then you have time to take a few minutes to see how best to proceed. I know you want the pain to stop. We all do. That is part of the resistance, we do not like change or the unknown it takes energy and time.

Some signs you may be in a resistant mode:

    • You procrastinate

    • You are too busy

    • You are impatient

    • You forget things

    • You are not organized

    • You feel stuck or paralyzed

    • You are very impatient

    • You can’t or won’t make a decision

    • You find a reason Not to act

    • You complain a lot

    • You become defensive

    • You look for limitations and barriers

    • You avoid people or change

Antidotes to resistance:

    • Acceptance of how things are, right now

    • Observe and acknowledge how you are feeling

    • Let go of blame or judgement

    • Move – walk, run, work out, hike

    • Take the next step forward

You may have to start with accepting that you are not ready to accept what is. We resist because we don’t want to deal with “it.” We are fearful of the outcome. We may know intellectually what the outcome may be, but we are not emotionally ready for the outcome. It won’t go away. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Feeling out of control is another trigger.

Find the lesson

Find the lesson. There is always a lesson that we are supposed to learn. A lesson about ourselves. A lesson about our loved ones. A lesson about trust. We do have a choice. We can choose acceptance and move forward. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. Acceptance never means giving up. It means finding new ways to have the best quality of life possible for you and your loved ones.

I am more of a “see where we are and what needs to be done,” kind of care giver. I don’t deny the facts, but I sure won’t give up either. We can no longer do it this way, so what about trying the other way?  Focus on your realistic goals and options. You only have so much energy every day, don’t waste it on things that are not changeable or cannot be changed.

You never have to like what you are accepting, you are just no longer fighting it

You don’t have to be okay with the “thing” that you are accepting. It doesn’t even mean that you feel good or peaceful about it. It requires courage to face the reality of “what is, right now.” Maybe, the word acknowledging is better than acceptance in some situations. It is okay to hate it and not know what to do. Use a person to be your sounding board so you can work through scenarios. Ask for input or suggestions, realizing that you get to choose to use that information or not.

Are you ready to make some kind of change?

    • Identify your “want” in the change (not the should)

    • Give yourself time to prepare for change

    • Visualize your life during the change and after the change

    • Prepare for set-backs and moving forward again

    • Be kind to yourself and acknowledge all of your victories (both large and small)

  • Create an action plan (Empowering Health Options does this, too)

Pat

Has your life been hijacked by responsibilities outside of your control?

Posted on February 16, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #dementia

How do you feel about that? Okay, now, how do you feel about how you feel? Whew! That in itself is enough to make your head explode, isn’t it?

February 16, 2022

I learned a new phrase today, as I was doing some research on dealing with feelings, and I came across “meta-emotions.” I have never heard of that term before. I was thinking about my own experiences of how I felt about the frustration and anger that I felt when my life was hijacked. I did berate myself for feeling that way. How could I feel that way? I love my mama and I will do anything that I can for her. The frustration and anger was never about her. It was about the situation.

Meta-emotions can be classified into four types: negative-negative (e.g., feeling embarrassed about feeling sad), negative-positive (e.g., feeling guilty about feeling happy), positive-positive (e.g., feeling hopeful about feeling relieved), and positive-negative (e.g., feeling pleased about feeling angry).

When you can’t make things better

I could not make things better. I could not fix this so we did not have to deal with all of this crap. I wish that I could tell you that I adapted well. I did not. I made it much harder than it had to be on myself. I sure learned the hard way, that I would have been better off if I had learned to accept things as they were & adapt to the ever-changing situation.

Nope, just stuff it all down. Deep down, inside. Soldier on. That will work for a while, but not forever. It will come out. It will come up in screwy ways. You won’t even know why you are feeling like you feel. It may years down the road. You can’t figure out why your emotions are all over the place. Maybe, if you got still and curious you could figure it out? Talk therapy is a much quicker way to figure it out.

I think everyone needs to do some talk therapy. Shoot, three or four sessions may be all that you need. Therapists will give you the tools you need to figure some of this “emotions” stuff out. You will also be taught how to deal with it in an appropriate manner. In other words, you won’t have to show your ass.

You won’t have to keep beating yourself up for feeling bad about feeling bad. If you are a helper or care giver you have probably dealt with all kinds of emotions. I use feelings and emotions interchangeably sometimes because I won’t slow down and figure out which one it is. Here is my attempt at understanding the difference. Emotions are neurological reactions to external stimuli. They are instinctive and we are not usually conscious of them. That friggin’ amygdala, again. It really is trying to keep us safe. We have to help it, by realizing when we are in danger and when we are really NOT in danger. Feelings are the reactions to the emotions.

    • Something triggers you

    • You have an automated response (your fear emotion, anger or whatever the emotion, is being sent out through your body)

    • That lasts about 90 seconds and then that part is over

    • What happens next, is up to you. Will you cling to that emotion or will you interpret the situation as not life threatening, reassess and move forward?

    • Realize that how you think and how you feel directly impacts how your body reacts. This is the point where you take a breath or three and separate yourself from the experience to observe it, be objective and be curious about how you feel. No judgement allowed.

How do you manage difficult emotions?

Can you reinterpret what you experienced? Can you look for the good in the bad? Sometimes, we have to sit with that uncomfortable emotion. We have to feel it to process it. That is not fun. The upside is that we can learn from it and we don’t have to always have the negative emotions when we are triggered. We can learn. “Whatever you resist will persist.” I have no idea who said that first, but I have heard it a lot.

Emotions may not signal danger, but they may signal that you need to make a change.

Care givers have many, if not all of these emotions at one time or another. See if you can relate?

    • Guilt

    • Resentment

    • Anger

    • Frustration

    • Worry

    • Loneliness

    • Defensiveness

    • Grief

Questions to ask yourself when you feel certain emotions arise:

    • Is what happened unexpected?

    • Is what happened enjoyable?

    • Is what happened going to make it easier or harder for me to get what I want?

    • Can I control it?

    • Will I be able to cope with what happened?

    • Does what happened match with what I think is right or wrong?

    • Is what happened my fault or someone else’s?

(I borrowed these questions, but I cannot find my cite link.)

What are the positives of negative emotions?

Sadness or grief may make you pay more attention to details?

Anxiety or stress may encourage you to find new ways to deal with situations.

Anger or frustration may make you see that it is time for help or another set of eyes on a situation or problem.

Guilt may help us to figure out what is ours to deal with and what is not ours to deal with.

Negative emotions may be what you need to motivate you to make a change.

**Any time that you deal with your emotions, you will get tired and feel drained. It is very exh

Pat

Which caregiver role fits you, right now?

Posted on January 6, 2022 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #parkinsons, Caregiver Information

January 5, 2022

    • Hands-on caregiver – you are physically there and you help with their daily needs (i.e., dressing, bathing, toileting, brushing their teeth, meal preparation and feeding).

    • Companion care – they can do most things on their own and you are there to provide company, keep them engaged with conversation (emotional support) and make some meals as well as medication reminders and light housekeeping. Maybe, take them to an appointment or on errands.

    • Long-distance caregiving – you probably live an hour or more away, you may be helping with money management, and you may be in charge of making appointments, finding in-home care assistance, and planning for emergencies.

    • Accidental caregiver – Oh crap, I did not see this coming, right now. I know that I have to help, but I am not sure what I am good at? I will muddle through.

    • Reluctant caregiver – you may find yourself responsible for someone who has abused you in the past or that you do not get along with. This one is very difficult and it may be best to find help immediately and place yourself in the long-distance caregiving camp.

    • A Swoop-in, create havoc and swoop on out caregiver – these folks need an ass whipping. They come in every once-in-a-while, state and do whatever they feel like, without regards to the care receiver or the other care givers and get things stirred up and then they leave. Most likely, these folks are just waiting for the care receiver to die so they will not have to be bothered.

    • Provider of support to the caregiver – Physically and emotionally help the caregiver to excel at being a caregiver. You help the caregiver with the chores or things that need to be taken care of at their house or the house of the care receiver. (Laundry, house cleaning, cooking a meal or two, mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, running errands, etc.)

Maybe, you don’t identify as a caregiver, yet

Some of you have never identified as a caregiver, it is just something that you do. You are helping your mom. You are helping your dad. You are helping your wife. You are helping your husband. You have never viewed it as caregiving, they need help and I will help them. It is that simple.

You never even give it a second thought. That is what family does for each other. I get it, I have been there too. It is what good friends do for each other too. While we don’t identify with the word “caregiver,” that is what we are. A lot of us are the Lone Ranger. We are fine, for a while. We can manage our lives, our jobs, our homes and all of our loved one’s stuff, for a while. Usually, it is about 18 months in and we are stressed out, frustrated, tired and overwhelmed. We look up one day, and wonder how we got here? It happened so slowly and it wasn’t too bad or too hard. But, now, it takes a lot more time and effort to help our loved one.

Our love for them has not changed. Our goals for them have not changed. Our goals for ourselves have not changed. What has changed is our own health. We are tired and we just cannot get rested. Our eating habits are worse, we have gained weight and those stress headaches and lower back pain keep us off of our game. Work is work. It hasn’t slowed down and I am expected to perform at my best every day. I can’t concentrate as well as I used to. I find myself worrying more about my loved one and I can’t remember the last time I had some free time.

Tools to help you in your family caregiving role

What would help you the most in the next three months?

Do you need an easy to use, fill-in-the-blank essential information binder?

The three things it will do for you –

    • Decrease your stress level

    • Empower you to be more in control, to make better decisions

    • Information will be easily accessed when needed

What is included in this Stress Buster, Time Saver, Information Binder:

    • Banking Information (including retirement information)

    • Bills – list of and when due

    • Doctors and other Health care providers list

    • Documents needed

    • HIPAA release form

    • Home information (home, vehicles, rental property)

    • Income to be received (from Social Security, Retirement, Renters, etc.)

    • Legal Documents needed

    • Medical bills and EOB’s (explanation of benefits, with tips and info)

    • Medical history (incl. diagnoses, surgeries, devices used, etc.)

    • Medicare and Medicare Advantage Plan (how to check on EOB or MSN for coverages and benefits)

    • Medications (list of medications, administration check-off list, incl. over-the-counter medications0

    • Online accounts (User names, Passwords, Answers to security questions)

    • Tasks to be done sheets

Available as a Binder Kit (with pages in sheet protectors, highlighters, ink pens and a mechanical pencil) 

OR

As a downloadable, fillable PDF file for Single use or Family Use

Use this link for more information and to Order product.

Binder Kit

The next thing that may help you or your loved one is to KNOW whether the medications you are taking are working for you, against you or doing nothing for you. It is a genetic test for medications. You do it once and use the information for the rest of your life. It is a cheek swab. Have your own doctor, physician’s assistant or nurse practitioner order the test (they may use a prescription pad), get it to me and we will get you started.

For more information and a list of medications that have a genetic impact, click on this link

Right Med® Test Kit

Scroll down to blue bar that states Right Med Mediation List and click on that link to see the list of medications.

Services offered are listed under the Options tab. Click on link below to access options page.

Options

Option 1 is for an overview and is available to all.

Options 2 and 3 are researched, doable plans of action using best practices and your individual needs as guidelines. You will be heard and understood. These require a conversation and acceptance as they are customized and detailed.

** I won’t waste my time or your money, if these options are not for you. **

Options 2 and 3 are customized for the individual with researching, troubleshooting and support plans for the individual and the family.

The difference in Option 2 and Option 3 – Option 3 includes follow-up for three months instead of one month. With Option 3, updating the support plan is included. I am your guide and will help you to keep moving forward.

My goal with Option 2 or Option 3 is to help you have an understanding of your options, what you may be facing in the future and how to be as prepared as possible. To have the information that you will need to make decisions and choose the best options for you and your family.

Who do you know that could benefit from any of these products or services?

I need your help to get the word out about these products and services. I want to help those that need these things. If I can make their journey less stressful, that is what I want to do. Please pass along this information to those you know. Thank you for your time and effort.

All products and services are available throughout the U.S.

Pat

Will you ever be okay with being wrong?

Posted on December 29, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #parkinsons, making decisions

How many better decisions could you make IF, you felt it was okay to be wrong?

December 29, 2021

Okay to be wrong? Nope, I can’t even think it, much less say it out loud. For those of us that are “recovering” perfectionists (Remember, I am a work in progress.), still have a hard time believing that being wrong is okay. 

Trust me, I know that making a mistake can be deadly. That was drilled into us at pharmacy school. But, not every mistake will be deadly. It may cause some harm or no harm. None of us want to hurt another person, we are here to help you to get better. To thrive. My yearly average was pretty good. Some years, I made no mistakes and some years, I made one. It sucks to have to write-up the incident report. Thankfully, mine was never the wrong medication. Wrong strength, wrong dosage form (tablet instead of capsule), incorrect directions, wrong doctor name, wrong original date, wrong quantity, all count as errors or mis fills. Every mistake and every incident gets written-up and sent in to corporate.

We hate making mistakes

I hate making mistakes! I get angry at myself. I replay the incident over and over in my mind. Sometimes, I can figure out what happened and sometimes, I cannot. If it is a procedural error, such as disruption with a phone call or a customer at the window, then we can put things into place to mitigate those disruptions. If it is a look and mis-see error, usually you cannot fix that. Once you have “seen” drug, names and directions, you tend to see the same thing every time that you look at the prescription and the label. That is why it is best if a technician types in the prescription and the pharmacist checks it with fresh eyes. You always want at least two sets of eyes on it. I did not really mean to go this deep on this.

What did you learn?

The point is, if you can identify a “fix” or a better way to do it next time, then you have learned something and most likely you will not make that same mistake again. You have learned and moved forward.

Isn’t that what is best for all of us? But, no, we keep beating ourselves up for past mistakes and errors. If we do that long enough, we will never make another decision that may impact someone else.

What if we could, be a little kinder to ourselves and allow ourselves to learn from what went wrong? Learn from what did not work? We catastrophize, we imagine the worst possible outcome of an action or event. For example, “If I flunk this test, I will fail this course, I won’t graduate and I will be a failure in life.” Another one is, “If I don’t recover fully in the first two weeks, after surgery, then I will never get better and I will be in pain or disabled the rest of my life.

97% of the time, none of that is true. You keep studying and doing better in your class. If you fail, you will have to re-take it, and then you will graduate. Healing takes time and you do get better as time goes on. You do have to do your part with rehab, moving and taking your medication as directed. Your pain will lessen and you will be able to get back to your activities.

Catastrophize

I guess that we all need to catastrophize occasionally. Maybe, it keeps us on our toes? If you are going to catastrophize, then you have to go all in with your thinking. Ok, the worst has happened. Now what? Keep going.

What if we don’t catastrophize? What if we stop the automatic negative thoughts that come to us? What if the negative thinking is hurting you more than it is keeping you safe? If you always look for the bad or the worst, you will find it! The opposite is also true. If you look for the possibilities or the good, you will find that too. Stress and anxiety really does play a part in how we think about things.

You are right, sometimes things will get bad. But, not everything gets bad. We don’t deny reality, we do our best to accept it and provide the best quality of life possible. I will never give up planning and hoping for the best. I have learned that it is okay to make a mistake. It is okay to make adjustments. It is even okay, to try another approach. Trying is never failing. F.A.I.L. – First Attempt In Learning

Fear of failure, keeps us stuck

It is our own screwed up mindset that keeps us afraid and that fear of failure rears its ugly head. Our self-worth gets tied up in to how well we perform. Think of a baby that is learning to walk. How many times do they fall? How many times do we tell them, “You can do it?” Or “try again?” They are learning something new and it is going to take a little time for them to learn. What would happen if the first time that they tried to walk and fell, they just sat there and cried and never tried to walk again? We would take them to their doctor to find out what was going on. We would think, “Ok, they fell, but they can try again and again and soon they will be able to walk.”  We will even help them to get up and move those legs.

Have you ever been pushed to explain your reasoning? Even when someone is curious and really just wants to know, we get all mad and start defending our position rather than explaining. That conversation never ends well, does it? What if we can be curious and wonder about our choices. What options have we thought of? What options could be found if we talked with others?  Don’t guess. Don’t assume, ask questions when you do not understand. I like to use a round table discussion where everyone is helping to brainstorm. Everyone throws out their ideas and nothing is ruled out until after the brainstorming session has ended.

None of us is very comfortable being critiqued. If you work for a company, then you will have a yearly evaluation. Sometimes, they are not pleasant. It is not that they are bad or really even negative, just some things that we need to improve. When we realize that we are receiving feedback to help us to become better and more efficient, we tend to accept the information easier than if we think we have done something wrong. Don’t let your automatic negative thoughts run away with you. Take a minute or two and assess the situation. The people around you want you to succeed. If they don’t, then find new people to be around.

I guess we did chase a rabbit or two during this blog.

Stop trying to be perfect

Let yourself be open to learning new things. If you are wrong, admit that you are wrong. I promise you; it won’t kill you to admit such a thing. I have done it myself and it did not kill me. In fact, when I stopped trying to be perfect, most decisions became easier to make. They turned out quite well, too. I am smart enough to know when I don’t know. I find others that are smarter than me and I ask questions. I learn new things and new ways of doing things.

When you are right, don’t be an ass. Tomorrow, you could be wrong. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Decide if you want to be a leader or a follower. A leader will take charge and make a decision after considering the current options. A leader knows when they have made a mistake. A leader will say, “I have messed up. This did not work out as I had hoped. Let’s try this.” A leader will say, “We made a good choice and things are working out nicely. Thank you all for your input.” When we admit our mistakes, we make it easier for others to admit theirs. Being wrong does not mean you are bad. Being wrong does not mean you should feel shame. Being wrong is just a thing that happens sometimes.

Failure is an event, not a person

If you try to avoid mistakes, maybe you are not open to learning new things? Making mistakes does not make us a failure. Failure is an event and never a person. I wanted my techs to check me. I always told them that I had rather they be wrong than me be wrong. We need to challenge things that we think are wrong. They may or may not be wrong, but we need to find out. Question when you do not understand. Something new takes two, three or five times to hear before being understood.

Admit your mistakes. Look at the new skill you will learn. Resilience is what you learn when you get back up and try again. Resilience is one key to succeeding. You will not like making a mistake nor should you, but you do need to accept that you have made a mistake.

“My bad”

When you make a mistake what will you do? Will you pretend that it did not happen? Will you point the finger at someone else? Or will you take responsibility for your mistake and learn from it? Will you forgive yourself and move forward? If someone else makes a mistake, will you empathize with them instead of blaming them?

Besides, when you admit your own mistake … no one can ever hold it over you.

Pat

Who are you? Who are you helping?

Posted on December 23, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #ms, #parkinsons

I am the daughter of a dad with Alzheimer’s.

I am the son of a mom with Parkinson’s.

I am the wife of a man that has had a stroke.

I am the husband of a woman that has breast cancer.

I am the partner of one that has complications of diabetes.

December 22, 2021

You find yourself helping your mom with grocery shopping, taking her to the doctor, and having her hair done. You find yourself helping your dad by mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, and cleaning the house.

Maybe, you are doing their errands, laundry or going to the bank for them.

No big deal, it is just what you do for family. They took care of you when you were younger and now it is your turn to help them.

Health issues arise. Both physical and mental. They are no longer the independent, self-sufficient person that they once were. A part of you thinks that this is temporary, but the other part of you knows that this is the beginning of a decline in someone that you love.

We talk about parents and their needs, but it could be a spouse or partner. A life-altering tragedy has occurred and now you are helping them. You still have the same responsibilities you had before with your own job and your own health needs. Don’t forget about your civic responsibilities, church activities or friendships.

Caregiving needs and duties change over time

Over time, their needs take up more time and effort. Your free time becomes less and less. There will be times that you cannot take care of your own things very well as you are helping them with their things. It happened slowly and you didn’t really notice it until something like an unpaid bill smacks you in the face. You beat yourself up for missing the due date. You have never missed a due date before. Oh crap, I have had to take money out of my savings to pay some of my bills. Oh yeah, I had to miss a week’s work.  When was the last time I ate dinner with my kids?

I need a break; you think to yourself. But, how and who will step-in?

It is about this time that you start to look around and see how much time your helping has turned in to over these past couple of years. You start wondering and evaluating what has been happening and what would be best.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is what I am doing for them necessary or can they do it themselves?
  • Are you doing these things so others will sing your praises?
  • What can be delegated to other people?
  • Are you trying to exert control over a situation that is uncontrollable?
  • Are you feeling guilty?
  • Do you feel resentment building up?
  • Are you open to others helping?

These are hard questions. These are necessary questions for you to answer to help you realize where you are and how you feel.  Maybe you have some guilt trying to run your life. A little guilt is good for us. It makes sure we are doing things for the “right” reason. When you start the “Should” in your thoughts and sentences, watch out. Big guilt heading your way. “Should’s” need to be stomped out of our vocabulary. That would stop a lot of the guilt. Are your “should;s” coming from what other people say? You could say, I can’t do that, but you are more than welcome to do that.

Be open to seeing you have options

You are not all powerful. You are not all knowing. You do have options. Be open to seeing the possibilities. What do you want to be? What do you want to take care of? What are you good at? Your own attitude towards situations do make a huge difference in how you feel about a task.

Set certain days for certain things. Example, Medical Mondays – all appts. Need to be on a Monday morning. Grocery store Thursday evenings. Find the day and time in your own schedule that will work for you.

People are usually willing to help. However, they cannot read your mind. Make that list of things and keep it ready. Pull it out and sign them up. Need a meal fixed, put it on the list. Does the yard need to be mowed? Put it on the list. Laundry? They can pick it up and bring it back when they are finished. Do you need a “go-fer” for the day? Add your errands to the list.

The new normal

Your new normal does not have to be awful. Your new normal does not have to always be stressful. Your new normal does not have to take over your own life. Your new normal does not have to cause resentment

Your new normal can be a blessing. Your new normal can bring your whole family closer together. Your new normal can help you learn to delegate better. Your new normal can help you to communicate better. Your new normal can be whatever it becomes because you are open to the possibilities.

Pat

Let it be … Even though every fiber of your being tells you not to let go of control

Posted on December 9, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #ms, #parkinsons

December 8, 2021

Some of you are breaking out in a sweat right now. WTF! I can’t let it be. It will be a disaster. He won’t do it like I do it. It will be a mess when I get back. If I don’t tell them what to do, they won’t do anything. And many, many other statements. We try to control every area of our lives and usually the areas of our loved ones lives. 

What to deal with first?

Let’s start with the control freak or as I like to call them, the person that “likes to take charge.”  

Who are you and why are you a control freak? Usually, a control freak is driven by an urge that they want everything done in a way that THEY feel is correct. Sometimes, it is because the control freak does not have control in an area of their own life and they will seek to control something that they feel they can control. It is also possible that the control freak has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder or possible a personality disorder. Sometimes, it is the person that has been through it before and has the experience. Other times it is the person who will step up and handle the situation. So, you see, there may be many factors as to why a person seems to be a control freak.

If you are the control freak, check yourself before you wreck yourself and your relationships. What are the real reasons behind your behavior? Is it truly to help the other person or is it for your own benefit? Do you trust others to handle situations as they arise? The better question is, will you trust others to handle situations as they arise?

Let go of the need for control

Being effective does not mean you always have to control things, people or the situation. The reality is that we cannot control things, people or situations. The only thing that we can control is ourselves and our own views. We can’t control the outcome. We can control our mindset. We can control our work ethic. We can control how we treat others. No, they don’t make you treat them any certain way, you choose to treat them a certain way. We can control what we eat, how much exercise we do, how much rest and destressing we do. We can control asking for needed help before we get to the end of our rope. We can control what we focus on. Know that what you focus on shapes what we do and how we feel. Will you focus on possibilities/solutions or will you focus on the problems?

I have heard this phrase a lot, but I could not understand it for the longest time. “Let it go.” How in the hell do you let something go? You still think about it. You still wonder. You even still try to fix it. I finally read something that helped me to understand what “let it go” really means. It means to “let it be.” Let it be just as it is, right now. There is nothing to do but accept it as it is, right now. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to feel a certain way about it. I know realize why I have always hated the phrase, “it is what it is.” I hated it because it frustrated me and because I could not accept that “it” could not be changed. Only accepted, as it is, right now. I didn’t have to like it. I didn’t have to fix it. I didn’t have to do anything.

Embrace change and let the uncontrollable be

It’s funny, when I stopped fighting the things that were not going to change and changed how I reacted to them I was much calmer and more at peace. I had to learn that it was my own reactions that were hurting me. I had to decide what I will accept or put up with and what I could not accept or put up with. Decision’s time!

Things you CANNOT Control:

    • If people like you or dislike you

    • Other people’s feelings

    • Other people’s thoughts or beliefs

    • Other people’s actions

    • Who our relatives are?

    • The weather

    • The past

    • The exact outcome. Of anything. Ever.

If it is not an immediate danger. Cool your jets. If death is not imminent, wait. Sometimes, things need to work themselves out. A few failures are a good thing. They are learning times. Failure is an event and never a person.

Be the flexible, can-do person. Understand that plans change. Priorities change quickly. Adapt to making the best decision possible with the information that you have, right now. Update as needed.

Learn to have no attachment to outcome

Have no attachment to the outcome. Calm down, you have to learn to be in the present moment. There may be so many factors that go in to an outcome and we cannot control all of them. Be open to possibilities and outcomes, just don’t become attached to them.

Learn to accept change. This is so very hard. We are creatures of habit. That is not a bad thing, it becomes very frustrating and maddening when we do not make allowances for things beyond our control. Work on focusing on the top three priorities. Focus on the things that matter the most and let go (let it be) of the other things. Stop trying to change the unchangeable. Just because we accept “what is,” does not mean we give up hope or stop trying for the best quality of life possible.

What if the care receiver is the control freak?

When the strength and courage that you admired in your parents has now changed into control freak behavior, how can you handle them and it? You will be provoked. You will be angry. You may hear constant complaining. You may even feel like a servant sometimes. Annoyed, Frustrated, Resentment and Anger coming up! Sadness will be there too. Watch out for your triggers to be triggered.

Manipulation by elderly parents:

    • They may guilt trip you

    • Nice to your face but talk about you to others

    • They want everything done in a specific way

    • They complain about family members, nothing pleases them & everything you do is wrong

    • Easily becomes upset at just about anything

Why is this happening?

It may be their nature and they were always this way. It could be a new thing that has happened over time. Usually, they are trying to regain some kind of control over their lives and situation. The loss of personal power and control is awful. It is sometimes scary to have to depend on someone else for your needs.

Have them do everything that they can do, even if it takes longer. Let them make decisions, whenever possible. Ask for their opinion and advice. Everyone wants to feel useful. Don’t force them on to your schedule for the more intimate needs such as bathing. Let them decide on that time. It may only be an inconvenience to you, imagine what it must be to them. Let them keep their dignity and I promise you will have fewer battles. Of course, you may have to set boundaries and that is fine. Put yourself in their shoes to understand where they are coming from and do your best to accommodate them. We all want autonomy and independence.  It may be time to bring in the backup care givers.

Don’t take over, just help

As a care giver, you are there to provide them with help with what they cannot do. Your role is not to take over but to become more of an aide or helper. Encourage them to do all the things that they can do, even if it takes longer. Family dynamics will certainly play a role in a care giving and care receiving need. Everyone has a right to feel safe and to be safe.

Routines are good things. Once we have our routine, we no longer have to use excess brain power to figure things out. We just do them. Routines are good for care givers and care receivers. Figure out the best routine (one that is doable for the receiver and the giver) and implement it. Update, when needed. Agreement is the key. The care giver must be more flexible than the care receiver. The more you can fit in to their routines, the less pushback you will have. Remember to enjoy each other. Those are the moments that you will treasure.

Pat

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Tell them you are venting & are not asking for a solution

Posted on December 2, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregiver, #caregivers, #ms, #parkinsons

December 1, 2021

Right off the bat …

To all of our partners, spouses and friends and families

  • Yes, we love you, we want the best for you and we want to help, if possible.
  • No, we do not know when you are just venting.
  • No, we do not know when you want suggestions or solutions nor when you don’t.

If you are anything like me, you get in to so much trouble by assuming others are asking for your help, ideas or solutions when really they are just venting and want to be heard. I am not opposed to listening and letting someone be heard, I need to know that is what you want. Have you ever noticed that the same people that want you to “just listen,” are also the same people that get pissed when you don’t offer solutions or help them when they are ranting and raving? It truly is a no-win situation. You get into trouble when you just listen and then you get in to trouble when you offer solutions or suggestions.

Have an agreement when someone is venting and only wants you to listen

Let’s have an agreement for the “Ventor” and the “Ventee” aka the Listener. What will this agreement do? It will get everyone on the same page at the same time. It will improve your communication. Since communifriggin’cation is the key to everything, it might just stop the needless fighting, anger or hurt feelings.

I would suggest that you work on the agreement as soon as possible. Once the talking/venting begins it is too late. Each of you have unique ways that you deal with things. Your friends, partner, spouse, families do not deal with things the same way as you. If you only do one thing …make it clear that you just want to be heard, understood and supported OR you want ideas, help and possible solutions. Come up with two words that you can say and the other person understands. For example, you can say “rant” then the other person will know that you want to vent. If you say “help,” then they know to listen and then help you come up with possible solutions.

Listen and validate their feelings

What happens if Vivi starts talking and Lindsay has no clue about what to do? Then Lindsay has to listen, understand, and empathize. No Fixing! No offering suggestions! I know that to just listen, understand and empathize is very hard to do. I always want to fix it or find a solution. I am a work in progress, but I am getting better and better at not offering unsolicited advice.

Rule #1 – The person being talked TO is “Lindsay the Listener” and the person doing the talking is “Vivi the Ventor.” Be quiet and listen for understanding, and NOT to reply.

Rule #2 – “Lindsay the Listener” will have to be on their toes ‘cause when “Vivi the Ventor” starts talking, they just start talking. You have no warning and are hardly ever told by Vivi that they “just want to vent.”  As the current “Listener”, you must become the one that takes those two seconds to breathe and think before responding in any way, shape or form. Lest you become the one getting yelled at! If you have not been told if this is a venting session or a brainstorming session, then you must ask nicely.

Rule #3 – “Vivi the Ventor” has a responsibility to tell “Lindsay the Listener” what is going on and what is expected of them. No assuming allowed.

Rule #4 – “Vivi the Ventor” gets to feel however they feel.

Rule #5 – “Vivi the Ventor” and “Lindsay the Listener” both must agree to be respectful towards each other.

Rule #6 – Vivi may need to vent or discuss but Lindsay either cannot handle it at the moment or has something else that needs to be dealt with. Set a time to talk later.

Rule # 7 – Do not interrupt. You may ask for clarification when they are finished with their thoughts. Repeat back to them what you have heard to make sure you understand.

Rule # 8 – Be fully present. Do Not look at your phone or the TV.

The natual born problem-solvers

Some people are natural born problem solvers and others need some time to figure out what course of action to take. What are the known challenges that are preventing you from moving forward? What are some barriers that arise once you begin moving forward? Identifying challenges and barriers are easy for some people and not so easy for others. We all have different perspectives and life experiences. Different is not bad or wrong, it is just different.

Are you able to listen for understanding or are you waiting for your turn to respond? Are you willing to be uncomfortable when they express their feelings/concerns? It is much easier to rush to problem solving than it is to deal with feelings and emotions that are being caused by the problem. Everyone gets to have their own feelings and everyone deserves to have their feelings validated. You may not agree with their feelings or emotions and that is fine, but they get to have them and feel them. Maybe all the other person needs to hear is “that sucks” or “I am sorry that you are having to deal with that.” Maybe, they just want to know that you have their back no matter what.

Learn what empathetic listening means. Empathy is about listening to the emotions and feelings that the other person is describing. Maybe you could ask, “How do you feel about this?” They probably want to feel supported by you. Understand where they are coming from and what they are feeling about what has happened.

Watch out for the dark side of venting

Venting can have a dark side. If you find yourself venting about the same things over and over again then it is time to move on to problem solving. Are you venting for more than 3 minutes? If so, you are probably replaying the same thing over and over again while getting madder and madder. You are letting it become entrenched in your thoughts. That is not doing you any good and it may keep you ruminating about the issues. Ruminating keeps you stuck. If you cannot change anything about the problem then you must change how you view or deal with the problem. Start processing your possible solutions out-loud. Yes, get the thoughts out of your head. What if the same types of situations keep happening? Other than pissing you off, what else is behind it? Be open to the possibility that there is a lesson that you need to learn. Do you need to let it be, just as it is (also known as letting it go)? Let it be. What a novel idea. Be curious. No judgement (it is what it is). Just observe. You really can let your thoughts wonder and not attach any meaning to them. Just go, “huh, wonder what that is about?” and keep on keeping on. Not everything is meant to be figured out. I get it, I drive myself crazy too trying to figure out the meaning behind something. Most of the time, there is no meaning, there is no problem, it is just a thing. Don’t misunderstand, there are problems/issues that do need to be thought about, figured out and a plan of action developed …but, not everything.

If any of these apply to you then stop venting.

  • You have no intention of changing anything about the situation or the way you react to it
  • The person you are venting to is dealing with harder or more complicated situations
  • If you have absolutely nothing positive to say about anything, start working on finding gratitude for 3 things in your life every day.
  • You deny any personal responsibility for what is happening or how you are reacting

Everyone needs to vent every now and then. It is cathartic and helpful. It can help you to clear your mind so you can begin working on solutions to improve the situation. When we find ourselves venting we probably to need to get those strong emotions off of our chest and deal with that conflict in a healthy manner.  Venting is not complaining. When you find yourself complaining, watch out? Complainers tend to focus on their own dissatisfaction, pain or uneasiness. Complainers only see it from their own point of view. Complainers see themselves as always right and others are wrong. Complainers become energy vampires that zap the listener.

Expressing your feelings is healthy. Complaining focuses on judging someone or something which does not help the complainer nor the listener. Which type of person do you want to be? Will you let others vent to you or is it always a one-way street? Some people take on a false sense of responsibility to fix things or help whenever others dump things on them. It is fine to be a helper, but not to the expense of your own peace of mind. Be wise. You cannot fix everyone or everything. Remember, you cannot make another person happy. Happiness is an inside job for each of us to handle on our own.

Pat

When there are no good choices, how do we make a decision?

Posted on October 27, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregivers, #multiplesclerosis, #parkinsons, making decisions

October 27, 2021

Right, Wrong, Good, Bad – those are the words we use to describe our decision-making choices. What makes a decision right or wrong? What makes a decision good or bad? Yeah, I know, it’s like porn. You can’t describe it, but you’ll know it when you see it.

A decision that is right for you may be wrong for me. A decision that is good for me may be bad for you. Hang on, here we go… Your perceptions and life experiences are your guides. Your gut feelings are tied in to past experiences and results. Sure, we all like to think that our decisions are made with great care and a lot of thought. Wait, I need to throw my bullshit flag.

Hear me out before you take your toys and go home. All of us have unknown biases. All of us have tunnel vision on certain issues. All of us hate the idea of even making a “wrong” decision. It is one thing to make a wrong decision for ourselves, but let that decision affect other people that we love and that piles on the stress, pressure and worry. I never want to hurt the ones that I love. I always want to make the best decisions possible. I especially want to make the right decision when it affects those that I love.

How can we make the best decision possible when we don’t recognize our biases? How can we make a good decision when we really don’t know what good resources are? To me a good resource is a trusted resource. A trusted resource often educates. A trusted resource is NOT an advertisement. Use the CRAAP test. See the bottom of the article for a worksheet.

Facts vs Truth

Facts are Facts. You don’t have to like it. Truth on the other hand takes in to consideration you own views, beliefs and ideas about a subject and sometimes you throw facts in the mix. Unknow biases. Question why you believe what you believe. Be skeptical. Can you accept what you have thought or believed most of your life could be wrong? How did that last word “wrong” make you feel? We do not want to be “wrong” ever! Change the word “wrong” to incorrect and see how that makes you feel. Can you accept that your friends and families’ beliefs and opinions may be incorrect? I am able to accept that I am incorrect. I am not inclined to believe that I am wrong. I get defensive if I am “wrong.” I can’t stand to be wrong! That is why I will do my research from trusted sources. I may not like what I have learned, but at least I know the facts and I can then figure out what will work best for me and my loved ones. Find three trusted resources and read the information using the CRAAP test information.

Be open to learning something new. Be curious. Let yourself ponder and think. We try to control the outcomes with our decision-making. Have you heard the phrase, “trust the process?” Why do people tell us that? Because we cannot control the outcome. We can only do our best. Sometimes, it is making a decision with the information that we have, right now. We may need to change our decision or update as we learn new information. That is okay. When we know better, we do better.

Regret the least

What happens we are faced with NO good choices? What do we do? How can we decide?

We make the decision that we will regret the least.

Get rid of the “should.”  Every time that you say or even think the word “should.” Stop and change that word to “Want.” What do I want? How do I want things to go? What do I really want down the road? Take time to think. Think through your options. Brainstorm and don’t dismiss anything, right now. You can pare down later. Are there compromises or alternatives?

  • What are your values, wants and needs?
  • Talk it through with a good listener. Tell them you are talking and you just want them to listen.
  • Maybe you need someone else’s perspective (maybe someone who has been in a similar situation).
  • Test out the decision in your mind. Go all the way through. Remember, you cannot control the outcome. How will this affect me in the short=term, in the long-run?
  • Doing something always beats doing nothing.
  •  Listen to your gut. Your intuition is important.
  • There is not right or wrong decision, only what is best for you and your family.
  • When all of the choices suck, which one will you regret the least?

Choice overload will cause you to not make a choice. Paralysis by analysis is a real thing. Too much information will keep you on the indecision wheel. Find 3 choices by doing your research with trusted resources. Realize that decision fatigue happens to all of us. Making tough decisions takes a lot of time and a whole lot of energy. You will second guess yourself. Go with what you know and not how you feel once you have made your decision. Accept that there will probably be trade-offs. Know what your values are. What is important to you.

Very few decisions can’t be changed or updated. Try to find a “both/ and” decision rather than an “either/or” decision.

Sometimes you will have to make a decision that you will regret the least. Be kind to yourself.

Pat

 

The CRAAP Test Worksheet

Use the following list to help you evaluate sources. Answer the questions as appropriate, and then rank each of the 5 parts from 1 to 10 (1 = unreliable, 10 = excellent). Add up the scores to give you an idea of whether you should you use the resource (and whether your teacher would want you to!).

Currency: the timeliness of the information………………………………………………………………………..

• When was the information published or posted?

• Has the information been revised or updated?

• Is the information current or out-of date for your topic?

• Are the links functional?

Relevance: the importance of the information for your needs…………………………………………….

• Does the information relate to your topic or answer your question?

• Who is the intended audience?

• Is the information at an appropriate level?

• Have you looked at a variety of sources before choosing this one?

• Would you be comfortable using this source for a research paper?

Authority: the source of the information……………………………………………………………………………

• Who is the author/publisher/source/sponsor?

• Are the author’s credentials or organizational affiliations given?

• What are the author’s credentials or organizational affiliations given?

• What are the author’s qualifications to write on the topic?

• Is there contact information, such as a publisher or e-mail address?

• Does the URL reveal anything about the author or source?

Accuracy: the reliability, truthfulness, and correctness of the content…………………………………………

• Where does the information come from?

• Is the information supported by evidence?

• Has the information been reviewed or refereed?

• Can you verify any of the information in another source?

• Does the language or tone seem biased and free of emotion?

• Are there spelling, grammar, or other typographical errors?

Purpose: the reason the information exists……………………………………………………………

• What is the purpose of the information?

• Do the authors/sponsors make their intentions or purpose clear?

• Is the information fact? opinion? propaganda?

• Does the point of view appear objective and impartial?

• Are there political, ideological, cultural, religious, institutional, or personal biases?

Total:

45 – 50 Excellent | 40 – 44 Good

35 – 39 Average | 30 – 34 Borderline Acceptable

Below 30 – Unacceptable

Created by Juniata College

What 3 things will help you feel more in control as a stressed-out care giver?

Posted on September 15, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregivers, #multiplesclerosis, #parkinsons, Tips and Tricks

You are running around, feeling like a piece of taffy being pulled in six different directions at one time. Pulled by your job, pulled by your partner, pulled by your kids, pulled by your loved one that needs help, pulled by your own home chores, and pulled by your social obligations. Being a caregiver piles on more stress. 

Many of us have felt that pull, with no end in sight. You are handling one problem after another and they aren’t crises, they are just everyday stuff. The mundane stuff even. The yard needs to be mowed, the car needs an oil change, this kid needs to go here at 6 and the other one needs to be there at 6, you need to make a hair appointment, there is a doctor’s appointment that you need to attend with your loved one and you project at work is coming due.

If you are a control freak, like I am, then you must have a plan and work the plan. There is no room for additions or changes to said plan once the plan has been figured out and ready to be implemented. It does not matter how well you have planned the who, what, where, when and how…something always arises to throw a monkey wrench in the works. Oh hell, now what am I going to do? Hopefully, you have learned to pivot.

The monkey wrenches that caregivers face

First, you have to determine where and when this monkey wrench will have to go in the plan. Is there a place or a workaround? If yes, then we are still good to go. But what if the monkey wrench blows up the plan? We scramble. What can we drop or pass off to someone else? What can we change or delay? All of these thoughts are running through your mind and you are running through the scenarios with the possible outcomes. You are also pissed that your plan is being messed with. You get madder and more frustrated by the minute. Your physical and mental health takes a hit. 

What else is running through your mind? Be honest. If my brother would just help out more (or even a little), things would be so much easier. If my sister was not such a drama queen, we could work together and things would be so much easier. Why am I the only one taking care of this and making sure it gets done? I have a big project that I am working on and I do not have time for all this extra work and stress. Dinner? What do you mean, what is for dinner? Pizza Hut delivers, that is what is for dinner. Hey, where is my uniform? Did you wash it? The dog peed on the floor. Can you help me with…? All of these thoughts are running through your mind. You don’t realize that your mind is going 90 miles an hour. Why would you, your thoughts have always run through your mind. But now, now it is different. They are more than just thoughts. A lot more. They have become situations. Situations that have consequences and must be dealt with. Caregiving responsibilities increase over time, too.

You have more responsibility as a caregiver

What makes the thoughts different? You have more responsibility. You know that you will have situations arising that will require you to make choices that have a real impact on someone else’s life. It is not easy to explain this to others that have not experienced it. Even if you did explain it, they still would not understand it. For other’s that have experienced it and gone through it, no explanation is necessary. They get it. It is true all relationships are different, wants, needs, and feelings are different. No one will ever know how you truly feel or what you are going through personally. They can’t, they are not in your head, they have not had the experiences that you have had. They can empathize and they may even tell you that they know how you feel. Most of the time what they really mean is, “I know what I went through and I know what you are going through.” They mean well and they are truly trying to help. Our own relationships and our own experiences shape us in to what we are today. I can only look at things from my perspective when I was dealing with my mom and Multiple Sclerosis and my dad as primary care giver. I can only see things that we went through individually and as a family. I cannot imagine not loving your mom and wanting to help in any way that you can. I cannot imagine not being able to speak my mind and disagreeing with my mom or dad and that being okay. Other folks cannot do that, they are not allowed to express their opinion.

I did work with a family that did not really care about their mom. They were in two other states and their mom was in a third state. At first, you think that they do care what happens to their mom, but the more you talk and ask questions the more you find out that they want their mom taken care of, up to a point. That family did not want to be bothered with coming in to see her or to do what was best for their mom. They did not want her needs to impact what they wanted to do in any way, shape or form. I did my job and made the recommendations for their mom and did what I could at the facility she was in (she had great caregivers at the assisted living facility) to provide the mom with the best quality of life possible. I decided that I would never work with a family that did not love or care about their family. If you love them and want the best for them, then we can work together. Does that mean you have to be the “hands-on” caregiver? No, not at all. It only means that you love this person and want them to have the best quality of life possible for them. I am not a hands-on care giver; it is not in my wheelhouse. I am not good at it. I am good at managing and deciding on the care that you need and want. I am much better at visiting, talking with them, going out to eat and being with them than I am providing the hands-on care of bathing, dressing, and all of the other activities of daily living.

We do chase a rabbit or two, don’t we?

What are the three things that would decrease caregiver stress?

    • Adaptability

    • Flexibility

    • Good information

adaptability

[ uh-dap-tuh–bil-i-tee ]

the ability to adjust to different conditions or circumstances https://www.dictionary.com/browse/adaptability

Are you able to adjust to different conditions or circumstances? Think back to the monkey wrench being thrown in to your plans. Ho do you react when things do not go according to your own plan? How do you respond? What goes through your mind? 

Do you have a sinking feeling? A woe is me, awful feeling? Your plans have unraveled. How could this happen? Everything was set up and planned.  Do you try to regain some type of control over the situation? Try to find a way to fix it? I know that I do. I try to fix it, for I must be in control. Look at all the negatives that this monkey wrench has caused. That son-of-a-bitch! (That is my favorite curse word phrase.)  How long does it take you to stop looking at the problems that monkey wrench has caused?  Fifteen to twenty minutes or much longer? Some folks get stuck and fixate on the negative consequences the monkey wrench caused for days. Do you have the luxury or time to be focused on the imploded plan or would you be better served by working on a solution? Asking “Why?” will always keep you stuck. Ask “How do we move forward?”, will get you unstuck.

You cannot control the outcome, only what you do and how you act

Recognize that some things are beyond your control. I know that this is hard. I also know that when I stop railing about what happened or what went wrong, I am able to figure out a solution and maybe even a newer much better plan You don’t have to like it. You cannot exert your will over something that you have no control over. Look up the definition of insanity.

All is well. All will be well.

Get a grip and look at the overall picture. Is everyone still alive? Then, all is well. All will be well. Take a few deep breaths and tell your thoughts to shut up. You have work to do and your pity party is stifling your ideas.

What is the next opportunity? Okay, this got all screwed up and maybe you feel defeated. Your feelings can and will lie to you. Thoughts are just thoughts until you attach some kind of meaning to them. You do not have to act on thoughts or feelings. Take a few minutes and let your fight, flight, freeze or fawn settle down. Well, it will actually take about 30 minutes for it to really settle down.

Plan implosions or detours can sometimes work out better than what we had originally planned. If you are optimistic and at peace you know that things will work out. You don’t always have to know the how. Sometimes you have to trust the process. At all times you have to trust God to provide you a peace beyond all understanding.

Practice adaptability. It is not natural and it will take effort, but once you learn it you will be less stressed and more in control of your own reactions and responses.

flexibility

[ flek-suh–bil-i-tee ]

the ability to bend easily or without breaking:

the quality of being easily adapted or of offering many different options:

the ability and willingness to adjust one’s thinking or behavior:

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/flexibility

Have you heard the phrase, “Be like a willow, bend but don’t break.”?  You may feel like you are dealing with so much stuff that you are about to break and those types of platitudes may actually cause you to break. You don’t have to break. You will, if you do not make some changes in your life. You see the three definitions above. Are you willing to make some changes in your own thinking and behaviors? Are you willing to take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally so that you can be a productive, able-bodied caregiver? Or are you going to stay as you are and be completely miserable?  Being a care giver does not have to be awful. Being a care giver does not have to wreck your life. Being a care giver can be a blessing. It is not easy, but it may be worth it. Most of the time you cannot change the situation, but you can change your attitude.

Manage your stress to help prevent caregiver burnout

Manage your stress. Do not suppress your anger, rage or resentment. Deal with those types of feelings in a healthy way. You always have choices. You will feel distressed. You will always wonder if you are making the right decisions. Try accepting the situation as it is. Just because we accept the situation as it is, right now, does not mean that we don’t seek solutions and better ways of doing things. I will never give up on a person. I will always do my best to find doable and workable solutions for them to have the best quality of life possible as well as the whole family. Along with accepting things as they are, what can you be grateful for? It is hard to train our minds to find the positive things or things we can be grateful for. Our minds automatically go to the worst-case scenario or to the “problems.” Pay attention to what your thoughts are at certain times of the day or when you have a headache starting or a lower back pain issue. Do you find yourself thinking about all the “bad things” that may happen or all the ways things can go wrong? Have you noticed that the worst things rarely happen?

What makes you desperate? Pain? Uncertainty? Pressure to make a decision? Inability to find good information? Not having a strategy? Unable to evaluate the plan effectively and make necessary changes?

Good information

We all suffer from information overload. TMI. What is good information? How do we know it is good information? Is it relevant to our situation?

You can find most anything online. How do you qualify it as good information? How do you find reliable sources? Public libraries have good databases that you can use. A reference librarian is of enormous help.

Use the CRAAP test.

Currency –      When was the information written or posted?

                        Has the information been revised or updated?

                        Is the information current or out-of-date for your topic?

                        Do the links work?

Relevance –     Does the information relate to your topic or answer your questions?

                        Who is the intended audience?

                        Have you looked at a variety of sources before determining this is the one you

                        will use?

Authority –      Who is the author, publisher, sponsor or source of the information?

                        Are the author’s credentials listed?

                        Are the credentials legitimate?

                        Is the organization legitimate?

                        Can their qualifications be verified?

                        Is there contact information available?

Accuracy –       Where does the information come from?

                        Is the information supported by evidence?

                        Has the information been reviewed?

                        Can you verify the information in another source or from personal knowledge?

                        Does the language or tone of the article seem biased or emotional?

Purpose –         What is the purpose of the information? To inform? To sell? To teach? To

                        entertain? To persuade?

                        Do the authors or sponsors make their purpose and intentions clear?

                        Is the information fact, opinion, propaganda?

                        Does the point of view appear to be impartial and objective?

                        Are there political, ideological, cultural, religious, institutional or personal biases?

So, you see…” They said and I heard” are the two biggest liars in the world.

Pat

Wednesday wonderings…When is it time to deal with stuff and when is it time to ignore stuff?

Posted on September 8, 2021 by - #alzherimers, #caregivers, #multiplesclerosis, #parkinsons, #seniorcare, Caregiver Information

September 8,2021

When to deal with it. When to ignore it. When to fight about it. When to take a break.

You have seen the t-shirts or maybe you have even said something like this …

It’s all fun and games until…Someone loses a weiner. (Feel free to add your own line.)

                                               Someone calls HR.

                                               Someone loses a nut.

Being with and dealing with someone who has a chronic illness such as depression, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, or migraines is all fun and games…at first. At first it is easy to do your work job, your house stuff, your play time, school stuff, church stuff, and all kinds of other “stuff.”

Eventually, more is needed of you. Your time, your efforts, your energy. Suck-it-up-buttercup works for a while. Then the demands on your time become draining. Do you take a time out and rest? Do you take a couple of days to recharge? No. You keep doing what you need to do. What you have to do. I get it. You want to be there for them and help them. You do love them and want the best for them. But…

Eventually, there is always a “But…”

Find where you are in the caregiving situation

Take three minutes and assess where you are in the care giving cycle, what is going on with your work, your family, your responsibilities, your care receiver, your physical needs, your mental needs, your emotional needs?

If you haven’t found your “but,” then either you are new to this or you won’t let yourself think about it. You can compartmentalize and stuff things down, for a while too. You put your job in one box. You put your personal stuff in another box. Another box has your care giver duties in it. Everything has their own nice little box and never are the boxes to leak or burst open and mix with the other boxes. Sure, you have everything under control, until you don’t Shit happens and at the most inopportune time. No matter how secure your box is, there will come a time when you will have to deal with all of it. How do I know? I have done it myself. I pushed things down. Ignored things and people. Yelled at work. Ranted and reaved at home. For minor things. Silly, little things. I didn’t know, at the time, that my boxes were leaking. I didn’t realize that I was very short tempered. I didn’t realize the damage I was doing to my techs who worked with me. I didn’t realize that my boys were becoming scared of me. Imagine how it feels when you do realize all of those things and more. The apologies you have to make. The rebuilding of trust and security for the boys. The knowledge that nothing will ever be the same. Even with forgiveness, no one forgets. I did do better, when I knew better. I wasn’t taking care of my needs. I had to put myself in the mix to rest and recharge to be able to help my dad who was the primary caregiver to my mom.

Some people need time to think before they respond

Should you always deal with a situation when it arises? My personal preference is, yes, deal with it now. If it were only that simple. If it only involved me, it would be simple. It does not just involve me. It involves three other people. Dammit. Now we have to discuss it, think about it, discuss it some more and then there is always someone with an objection.  How about if we, identify the situation as best we can from our own points of view and agree to discuss it at an agreed upon date and time. Did you know that everyone has their own unique point of view? Did you know that a care receiver and a care giver have totally different views at times?  Most folks have no idea what the care receiver wants or needs, they just assume according to their own wants and needs. If you are going to help someone else it is probably a good idea to talk with them to find out the who, what, where, when and why’s of things.

What if we could get away from right or wrong? What if we could be open to the possibility of many different ideas, ways or opportunities? If I can realize that it is not always my way or the highway, then you can too. Give each other the time and good information when there is a major decision to be made.

Yes, some things can be ignored, at least for awhile

Some things you do need to ignore. Some things do not need to be handled right now. The things that will not matter in a month, you ignore. The things that will not matter in a year or two, you ignore. The minor household chores that can be delayed, ignore them until another time when you are better equipped to make a decision. Decision fatigue is a real thing. It takes a lot of energy to think and make decisions that are new to you. I know this sounds like management by crises, but it isn’t. You get to choose. Make the best choice possible with the information that you have, right now. It is a gift to be able to make a decision before a crisis hits. A plan of action to implement, when needed, is a lifeline.  Usually, the things to ignore are behavior issues. You may be dealing with an angry aging parent. They may have outbursts. Abusive behavior you cannot ignore. You must take care of yourself. They may refuse to bathe or change their clothes. Ok, so ignore it for a day or two. If they are not in harms way, sometimes you have to let them be. Your family knows your buttons and they know how to push them and they will push them. Can you ignore the button pushing? Can you, let it go? If you can, you will be much happier and much more in control. If you can’t ignore your buttons being pushed, you will get stuck, become even more frustrated and stressed out.

What about fighting? I am not talking about physical fighting, I am talking about arguing, which is fighting in my world.  This one can be tricky. Some families cannot handle fighting in any way, shape or form. They would sooner give up everything than to fight. Other families can have a frank discussion with fighting, work it out and move on with no hard feelings. Others can fuss and fight and have hard feelings for many months, even forever at times.

Practice Active Listening

I wonder what is causing the fighting? Feeling unheard or ignored is a big trigger. Listen to each other first. Use a talking stick. You know, the one holding the stick gets to talk and then when they are finished, they pass it on to another person. STOP figuring out how you will respond. If you are figuring out how to respond, you are not listening. Listen for understanding. Sometimes people may say the wrong words, listen for the understanding and feelings behind the words. You do not have to agree but you do have to agree to disagree. Are you open to the possibility that the choices you must make are for right now? That in a week or two you may make different choices. Sometimes there are no good choices. There are only the choices that you will regret the least making. I wish that I could tell you that all your choices will be logical, but that is not realistic. Are we fighting because we are afraid of making a mistake or a bad choice? Guess what? You will make mistakes. You will make a bad choice. They can be rectified, almost all of the time. When you make a bad choice, do what athletes do, pat your chest twice with your hand and say “my bad.” Then move forward. Stop beating yourself up. Did you do the best that you could with the information you had at the time? If yes, move on.

One thing at a time

Instead of fighting what if we worked on one issue at a time and not the lifetime of issues? I understand that some folks cannot find common ground. In that case, place the needs of the care receiver and the hands-on caregiver at the top of the list. You may find that a dictatorship is the best way to proceed.

I am amazed at the folks that do not talk to a relative because of an issue with hurt feelings. I have seen it in my extended family but not my core family. We could always express our opinion, discuss, fuss, fight or whatever we needed to do without fear of being cut out of each other’s lives. You do have to work within the parameters of your family dynamics. We could chase many rabbits on this topic.

When to take a break? Before you are drained would be ideal. You will need physical breaks and mental breaks. There will be times that you are too overwhelmed to make a decision. Too tired or you do not have enough good information to make a decision yet. Take that time out. Agree to take a break if a discussion becomes too intense. Come back in a couple of days or another week. Maybe you are at an impasse. Who will be the ultimate decider?

Chronic stress can kill you. Take a break to rest and recharge.

Key signs you need a break include:

    • Changes in eating habits

    • Cynicism about work

    • Difficulty concentrating

    • Getting sick more frequently

    • Lack of energy

    • Lack of motivation

    • Low mood

    • Frustration

    • Feeling unfocused or fuzzy-headed

    • Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches

    • Poor performance at work

    • Sleep disturbances

    • Using drugs or alcohol to cope with stress

    • Withdrawing from friends, family, or co-workers

What days or times will you be taking time off? Write it down on the calendar. Yes, write it down. What gets written down, gets done. Realize that you will feel uncomfortable doing this. It is okay to feel some discomfort. Do not let that discomfort derail you from much needed time off or time away. You will come back stronger and more able to deal with any issue that may arise. Even an elite athlete needs days off.

Pat